Friday, November 14, 2008


Sometimes I don't want to be cheery and happy. I don't want to pretend that I've got it all figured out, that it's easy. I don't always like to share what's going on in my life, because aside from being way to personal and requires more trust than I care to spare for more than the few who have it. I won't bring this to my friends, because one just got a great job offer and another is dealing with a scary situation and some are just trying to get through their daily lives without having to listen to me. But this is my blog and I can say what I feel like.

What I feel like is quitting. I'd say everything, but I'd miss my DD too much and she'd be stuck with someone I don't really trust or like. School - I'm just over a semester from graduating with a B.S. - yippee -- I don't care anymore. My classes are hard and I'm just passing the lectures - labs I'm doing better, but lectures suck. I have more to do this year than ever before. My mom has emphysema - we still don't know how bad, but I'm guessing a year - two tops....I'm thinking she's had it for a while - you know the cough that never went away. That and the doc looked at four chest x-rays and said you've got emphysema. My DD's body is acting up and I've gone through 3 pediatrician's at the office because 1 didn't come back after a family emergency, another said wait and see one to many times - I'm not a hysterical mom - I actually know when something's not right and when she just wants to get out of school and be lazy, then there are two that I'm still trying to figure out - one who's more aggressive with looking at all of the clues and one who I sometimes get the feeling that she just wants me out of there. And then there is an accident that happened 13 years ago that may be responsible for me losing my teeth, not being able to have anymore kids, and an increase in cancer risk. And now I have to fight the VA over it. And just to add my fun, everyone wants to adopt a family for Thanksgiving and Christmas = great. grand. Have at it. But I'M expected to contribute too. I can't pay my rent, there is barely any food in my house, and my caseworker is sending my more forms. So I have prove I am who I say I am and who my DD is and barely make while some lying jerk gets enough money, aid, and food stamps to feed an army with no intention of getting off welfare. Now really, how is one piece of paper going to help. Because really, I don't if I can get into grad school, let alone pay for it. There's a new GI bill = that's wonderful - I served non-combat between the Persian Gulf and Iraq/Afghanistan - it doesn't apply for me. I have worked hard to get to this point, to get to a point where I can hold my head up and say it was worth it, I did it. But it's not there, and its not coming. And my family - they're full of great advice like - "well your brother and I did it - full time school, work, and raise a family and we had more kids" = yeah, let's put that into perspective - anyone can do it if they're married with someone else doing things like cooking, working, and putting kids to bed. And really my brother went to the U of Phoenix - advance/adult school and majored in IT, - one class, one night a week - yeah I could do that too - and I wouldn't even need to study. My mom went to a business college for accounting - I've taken those classes before - yup I could do those in my sleep - both my mom and my brother were married - someone else watched and worried about the kids while they were in school. My brother worked, my dad worked, my mom worked part-time. My sil takes care of the kids, and the house, and everything else. So, that's easier than doing it pretty much alone. My family doesn't live close. If my DD is sick at school, I have to leave school to go get her, regardless of what I'm doing - regardless if I'm taking a test or listening to a lecture. No one else cleans my house, makes money for me so that I can just study. I have to come up with rent money, with money for the laundry, with money for everything. And really, if I'd gotten a job in a factory I could make $30/hour for sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I could have a house and fewer worries. But I didn't. I wanted to do better for my DD. And I didn't. There will be no Christmas at our house - good thing Santa has never visited, because it's real hard to explain why the number of gifts Santa brings keep getting smaller - Thanksgiving should be interesting, since it's a my brother's and really since the comment he made the last time (his opinion is that it's the victim's fault, not his responsibility) - I don't want to see him. Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not stronger than love. My rant. My blog. Really, life feels like everyone's against me, and I don't have it in me to turn around and yell - "But I'll still make it further than you!". I just want to sit down, hidden from view, and give up. Because really, what is the point.

Sometimes there is no fixing, there is only accepting.


Suz said...

Sweetie, I am so very sorry for all of your troubles. I know how hard it can be. I remember college and how hard it was to ride it out to the end and I didn't have any responsibility except for myself. I couldn't have made it through grad school without someone being there to pick up my pieces, so I can't imagine being in your situation.

I really wish I could help. And "they" are hitting me up here too, and all I keep thinking is "I make 20k, which isn't enough to cover anything, my house is in foreclosure, and I have to pull a cross country move out of my ass, uh, NO I won't be donating, thanks."

I hope things turn around for you soon. They just did for me - a decent paying job for the first time in 5 years, a chance to get out of the debt and horrors I've sunk in to (without sharing, because honestly, I was/am totally embarrassed by it).

If there is anything I can do to make things better or help at all, please let me know. I don't know what to say besides "hold on, you can make it through just a little while longer", because that's been my mantra for years and years. I don't know if it will really help, but just hold on. You degree is almost there, although you are burnt out, just finish that Bachelors and then take things one breath at a time.

Onilyn said...

There are claw marks in the wood where I hang...