I really want to quit. Everything really. No, I'm not suicidal, it's not that bad, but I really want to at least sit this round out. I'm tired of trying to balance school, job hunting (unsuccessful - it would help if I left the state, but I'm still in school, so I can't), a tween who either truly doesn't get things or wants everything given to her and I'm not really sure which at this point, absolutely no privacy, constant interruptions, and the lack of money. The fact that my family still thinks I'm wasting my time on my writing doesn't bother me, nor does it bother me that most of my friends won't read my books - it's not for them, I understand that. No, what is bothering me is that I can't find it in me to be a b*tch or mean. I keep trying to help everyone, keep putting others in front of me until I want to scream.
By helping a friend out, I lost my office/craft room - which had quickly become my sanctuary. This same friend is strapped for cash, so right now I'm providing everything - but she's not helping around the house - even after asking her too. My TV is always on, half the lights are usually on, my daughter is having problems adjusting to a roommate, and every time I turn around she's eating something - which wouldn't bother me, but it's things that I need or have a specific purpose for. I mean really, who goes and opens a tub of frosting and eats all of it without asking if there is a reason.
The constant interruptions because since I'm writing or editing or whatever from home I must need to talk to someone are driving me insane.
The problem is the roommate I got myself into, and I have to put up with it, because I still haven't found a job and I need help with the bills and rent.
I applied for 2 dozen jobs this week and an internship. A friend of mine keeps recommending a professional organization through her church, but I'm not comfortable at church or with overly pushing religious people (any religion, no specific brand/type), so I haven't. Again, it feels wrong to me to go to a church for help when I don't go to church and don't plan on it.
Tonight the chicken was well flavored, but dry and there were way too many veggies and liquid for the dish. So, I'll keep the chicken and use it another dish and toss the veggies.
I am going to a conference on medical humanities tomorrow and Friday, but I don't know that I am going to finish my book on time. It's due by Saturday. If it's late, I could very well lose this contract. And I need every contract and release I can get. Money is tight. The economy in my state absolutely sucks. I'm over qualified for some jobs and under qualified for others. There isn't enough food or money to go around.
What I want is a break. A job, a real job with real hours that pays weekly, because even though I will lose writing time, I will lose 3/4's of my stress. I'm not, nor have I ever expected, to make money like a lot of big name authors - at least not to start, but a day job to cut the stress would be lovely.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Never before have I ever doubted my path in life. Not where my writing is concerned. I always knew that I growing and learning to do, but I would be better for it. I would be published. Today though, I'm seriously doubting my path in life. I'm beginning to think that writing is a serious waste of time. Something better left in notebooks, journals and thumbdrives lost under the bed or used to line the litter box. Something for me to do when the characters won't shut up, but not to be shared. Not any more.