You know there are those light bulbs moments when something you knew on some level just kinda clicks and you go "Oh". This is sorta like that.
Pretty much, I'm an introvert surrounded by and living among extroverts.
And at one point I was happy to say that I never stayed in my comfort zone - I loved to do things randomly and be more outgoing. But then life and school happened, so really, my one big goal for 2008 is to leave my comfort zone. This should be an interesting experience.
At times, I've been known to enable friends to spend money on themselves, when they're reluctant. Or to pamper or indulge themselves when they feel they shouldn't.
This time, I think -- I hope -- I enabled healing.
We all wonder "why me? why this? why now?" We wonder why we had to go through something and we rarely hear/see/understand why. We don't always get the answer, sometimes because it's not time and sometimes because we choose not to receive it.
I understand, or think I do, now.
I wear my scars much as I wear my tattoos. Sometimes hidden and sometimes visible, but always they are mine and deeply personal. I don't flaunt them. They are for my pain or my pleasure. They are not there to make you laugh or cry. They are not there for your pity or your shame. Your pleasure or your condemnation. As your's are not there for mine. They are not badges of honor. They are not reflections of a troubled past or wishful thinking on anyone's part. They just are.
I do not hide my abuse, nor do I flaunt it. It too, just is. Was.
I say this, because the other day, a few of us got together to try to help one of our own. There was much self deprecation involved. I spoke of what I've been through, recovering, and what I've learned. Another person about what they had lived through. Only later did I learn they'd never spoken about it before. Too anyone. Maybe because I spoke, they spoke, and maybe not their healing -- true healing can begin.
My story is not their story, one is not lesser than the other.