Sunday, November 23, 2008


So, I realized I forgot to tell about the coolest and possibly one of the dumbest things I did - but it was so totally worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat - hopefully I don't have to work or be home that night.

So, on November 8th, I drove my butt 3 1/2 hours south to Indianapolis - well the North Side of it - and met my friend Karen at the yarn haven she works at and SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And one other lady, who gave me a card and I've misplaced it at the moment and spaced on the name. BUT I MET SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but she totally rocks. Smart and sassy. :) We - the four of us - went to MacAlasteir's Deli and spent about 3 or 4 hours talking. We talked about a lot of different things, which I won't elaborate on - we covered a lot of subjects = family, military, school, politics (just a touch - couldn't be helped it was right after the election), love (once again I was the only single one in the bunch, but eh it works). I can't wait to go back. HOpefully to spend more time with everyone. So, now I've officially met 3 of my sisters by another mother. I WILL meet them all.

Oh, the dumb part - leaving Indy at 10 at night and driving home. I got home at 1:30 in the morning and had to be at work at 6 the next morning. I was exhausted.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I generally hate corporations. They're pretty much to blame for the whole economic crisis that and greed coupled with stupidity - at all levels.

But Michigan's economy is tanked and will tank harder when the Big 3 Auto makers fall. And why is that a big problem? Because the bone heads making decisions in this state put everything into cars (and furniture - but good furniture has been replaced by over priced pressboard crap from art van that has little use, no value, and not artistic at all) - everything.

Public schools lost the fight to send kids to college a long time ago because why spend 50K on education at UofM or MSU when you can make 30/hour at factory sitting on your ass and turning a couple of bolts (I have family who do this) and there fore public education gets you a factory job but very little else.

I'm a writer and a college student and vet majoring in medical - why do I care - family mostly - they'll lose they're jobs - the ones that haven't already - the houses will go into foreclosure, and 8 out of 10 cities will become ghost towns as everyone leaves the bloody state to look for work that pays.

Should the government bail them out? No, not really. Because instead of looking at what consumers wanted (smaller, more efficient cars) the Big 3 decided that more gas guzzling SUV's and Trucks were needed - that's what they ordered and that's what they pushed on people. Because really a family of two or four that lives in the city and never goes down a dirt road really needs an SUV/Mini-Van/Truck. *Doh*

Am I affected - was - 8 years ago when the evil-unholy bank of the improper fraction bought out the hometown bank and laid everyone (not an exaggeration) off.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Sometimes I don't want to be cheery and happy. I don't want to pretend that I've got it all figured out, that it's easy. I don't always like to share what's going on in my life, because aside from being way to personal and requires more trust than I care to spare for more than the few who have it. I won't bring this to my friends, because one just got a great job offer and another is dealing with a scary situation and some are just trying to get through their daily lives without having to listen to me. But this is my blog and I can say what I feel like.

What I feel like is quitting. I'd say everything, but I'd miss my DD too much and she'd be stuck with someone I don't really trust or like. School - I'm just over a semester from graduating with a B.S. - yippee -- I don't care anymore. My classes are hard and I'm just passing the lectures - labs I'm doing better, but lectures suck. I have more to do this year than ever before. My mom has emphysema - we still don't know how bad, but I'm guessing a year - two tops....I'm thinking she's had it for a while - you know the cough that never went away. That and the doc looked at four chest x-rays and said you've got emphysema. My DD's body is acting up and I've gone through 3 pediatrician's at the office because 1 didn't come back after a family emergency, another said wait and see one to many times - I'm not a hysterical mom - I actually know when something's not right and when she just wants to get out of school and be lazy, then there are two that I'm still trying to figure out - one who's more aggressive with looking at all of the clues and one who I sometimes get the feeling that she just wants me out of there. And then there is an accident that happened 13 years ago that may be responsible for me losing my teeth, not being able to have anymore kids, and an increase in cancer risk. And now I have to fight the VA over it. And just to add my fun, everyone wants to adopt a family for Thanksgiving and Christmas = great. grand. Have at it. But I'M expected to contribute too. I can't pay my rent, there is barely any food in my house, and my caseworker is sending my more forms. So I have prove I am who I say I am and who my DD is and barely make while some lying jerk gets enough money, aid, and food stamps to feed an army with no intention of getting off welfare. Now really, how is one piece of paper going to help. Because really, I don't if I can get into grad school, let alone pay for it. There's a new GI bill = that's wonderful - I served non-combat between the Persian Gulf and Iraq/Afghanistan - it doesn't apply for me. I have worked hard to get to this point, to get to a point where I can hold my head up and say it was worth it, I did it. But it's not there, and its not coming. And my family - they're full of great advice like - "well your brother and I did it - full time school, work, and raise a family and we had more kids" = yeah, let's put that into perspective - anyone can do it if they're married with someone else doing things like cooking, working, and putting kids to bed. And really my brother went to the U of Phoenix - advance/adult school and majored in IT, - one class, one night a week - yeah I could do that too - and I wouldn't even need to study. My mom went to a business college for accounting - I've taken those classes before - yup I could do those in my sleep - both my mom and my brother were married - someone else watched and worried about the kids while they were in school. My brother worked, my dad worked, my mom worked part-time. My sil takes care of the kids, and the house, and everything else. So, that's easier than doing it pretty much alone. My family doesn't live close. If my DD is sick at school, I have to leave school to go get her, regardless of what I'm doing - regardless if I'm taking a test or listening to a lecture. No one else cleans my house, makes money for me so that I can just study. I have to come up with rent money, with money for the laundry, with money for everything. And really, if I'd gotten a job in a factory I could make $30/hour for sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I could have a house and fewer worries. But I didn't. I wanted to do better for my DD. And I didn't. There will be no Christmas at our house - good thing Santa has never visited, because it's real hard to explain why the number of gifts Santa brings keep getting smaller - Thanksgiving should be interesting, since it's a my brother's and really since the comment he made the last time (his opinion is that it's the victim's fault, not his responsibility) - I don't want to see him. Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not stronger than love. My rant. My blog. Really, life feels like everyone's against me, and I don't have it in me to turn around and yell - "But I'll still make it further than you!". I just want to sit down, hidden from view, and give up. Because really, what is the point.

Sometimes there is no fixing, there is only accepting.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

It's Been A Whole Month

It's been a month, I guess that means I should update my blog. I really need to do it more often. Okay, since finishing my book, I have not done my updates. I have taken my DD to 2 doctor appts - with mixed results. I have taken 17k photos for two events on two consecutive weekends with only 3 days off in between. I have gotten DD her school supplies and some of her uniforms. New school - she wears uniforms - I'm happy - she's on the fence. It's a good school though. I have financial aid so I can finish my last year as an undergrad. I do have my schedule and I'm flip-flopping on how much books are going to cost me this semester - all sciences - and I have to keep them. I have actually stitched and I'll get an updated pic loaded soon. It's on my list of things to do. Oh, I've packed (in prep for a move) and unpacked (move didn't happen). Oh, and I've worked. A lot. I did a workshop in July on characterization, which I think went over okay. I haven't sewed anything, and I need to because I'm going to the gathering this fall and I need new garb. I'm thinking dark forest or hunter green, royal blue, or maroon/burgundy. Not sure. Have the pattern though. Money. time. not so much. LOL. Oh well. It'll be fun.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Random Meanderings

It's been about a month since I updated my blog, so I'll start with a random thoughts, meanderings, and updates.

= Happy Birthday America, a wonderful day to celebrate, be thankful for our freedoms, and to remember that Freedom never is and never has been free. A huge thank you to everyone serving in our military, and may you all come home safe and soon.

= I spent the weekend without answering my cell phone, checking my email, or listening to my mp3 player except for the few hours I was writing. I did have a deadline, so I had my laptop with me.

= I finished a book. One I wrote. WOO HOO!!! Happy Dance for me. I'm excited and thrilled!!!!!!!!!!

= I may have a new hobby - I so don't need another one.

= I got financial aid for my last year of school.

= I may or may not move, not quite sure.

= I actually stitched on TW's Castle. I'll upload a WIP pic soon.

= It's only 2 months until school starts

= I'm not sure what's scarier your dd on the brink of becoming a pre-teen and dressing the part or the rest of the stuff that goes with it. DD asked if she could wear her clothes a certain way, and I said that within reason I don't care. If you start to look like a tramp, then we'll have issues. She was thrilled. My DD will be 10 in 4 months and will be driving in 5 years.

= I have started the application process for grad school. Lots of money going out. OUch.

= I get to do the coolest shadowing program in August. I'm excited. But too many people will think it's gross, so I'll leave it at that.

= Oh, and the picture, that's Lake Michigan at sunset. That was taken in May, but a friend came up to visit and saw our 'little' lake that you can't see the other side on, and stuck her toes in. We popsicled her, because the water was maybe 50 F degrees, and yes, people were swimming in it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I'm not sure if it made it onto my goal list or not, but I love to sew and have added quilting to my list of things I like to make. Until now it has been self taught - a very interesting path to take let me assure you -- first quilt I ever made, my DD refuses to part with. <> :)

I moved a couple of years ago, and found a quilt store close to me, that has classes that can fit into a working student mom's very hectic schedule - and understanding owners that allow me to slide in a few minutes late - well they have one club, because it's not a class, that is called The $5.00 Quilt -- you pay $5 in January and receive a kit for a single block on either a light background or a dark background and as long as you bring the completed square the next month and don't miss any meetings you get the next block free - the catch -- sit for a half hour with other quilters and see the new fabrics and products coming into the store - and then show and tell -- it's fun. I'm trying new blocks and talking to a few people. And later this summer, since I switched to first shift - yeah me - I can take a night class in quilting and maybe finally my corners will match up and my points be pointed and not get cut off. Maybe. I'll have fun, so a few imperfections aren't going to bother me to much, we throw them on the bed anyway - use them as tents, capes, and the walls of forts and castles. LOL

Here are the first five blocks -- (I don't have a digital camera, just a scanner - so the sides are cut off - the blocks are suppose to be 10 1/2 inches square - I've not measured them and am scared to do so)

Road To Oklahoma -

Pinwheel -

New Album -

Jewel Box -

Sawtooth Star -

I still don't know how I'm going to finish them off, but I have until December to make that decision. And acquire the fabric - it's all one line, which is really cool. I'm thinking about putting two 1 inch borders around each square one in the background black and then one in another color that maybe can it all together.

I know I want a border or 3, and I like the idea of using alternating triangles in the colors from the quilt squares sandwiched between the background fabric.

There is still time. I'm excited. I'll share my progress. I got a new block yesterday - Balkan Puzzle - in golds.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Story View

This is where a new story of mine is taking place -- well an island very similar. This is American Samoa

Monday, January 14, 2008

Scary THoughts

You know there are those light bulbs moments when something you knew on some level just kinda clicks and you go "Oh". This is sorta like that.

Pretty much, I'm an introvert surrounded by and living among extroverts.

And at one point I was happy to say that I never stayed in my comfort zone - I loved to do things randomly and be more outgoing. But then life and school happened, so really, my one big goal for 2008 is to leave my comfort zone. This should be an interesting experience.

Friday, January 11, 2008


I am an enabler.

At times, I've been known to enable friends to spend money on themselves, when they're reluctant. Or to pamper or indulge themselves when they feel they shouldn't.

This time, I think -- I hope -- I enabled healing.

We all wonder "why me? why this? why now?" We wonder why we had to go through something and we rarely hear/see/understand why. We don't always get the answer, sometimes because it's not time and sometimes because we choose not to receive it.

I understand, or think I do, now.

I wear my scars much as I wear my tattoos. Sometimes hidden and sometimes visible, but always they are mine and deeply personal. I don't flaunt them. They are for my pain or my pleasure. They are not there to make you laugh or cry. They are not there for your pity or your shame. Your pleasure or your condemnation. As your's are not there for mine. They are not badges of honor. They are not reflections of a troubled past or wishful thinking on anyone's part. They just are.

I do not hide my abuse, nor do I flaunt it. It too, just is. Was.

I say this, because the other day, a few of us got together to try to help one of our own. There was much self deprecation involved. I spoke of what I've been through, recovering, and what I've learned. Another person about what they had lived through. Only later did I learn they'd never spoken about it before. Too anyone. Maybe because I spoke, they spoke, and maybe not their healing -- true healing can begin.

My story is not their story, one is not lesser than the other.

They just are.

What becomes of it, is for us to decide.