Friday, February 03, 2012

Working Towards A Better Me

This year I've decided that I am ready to work towards a better me. It kinda goes with that whole realization that it's easier to tell strangers, whom I don't care what they think, that I'm hard of hearing than it is my friends, for whom it does matter. So, I let the doc make me an appointment with the weight-loss person.

The first thing she did was break out a BMI chart - which was developed around the civil war to chart population growth - as in thousands of people when the average height was around 5'6 for men and 5'0" for women. It's not and was not intended to be used as a health indicator and is full of crap. She was really pissed and says "well, you don't have to use it" - I said I won't, but I already know I'm overweight and I know how much I want to look like I lose. Muscle weighs more than fat so, I'm after a body shape not weight or size.

Her whole shpeel is that if I just do portion control that I will lose weight. And that three big meals are better than 6 little ones. Oh, and everything needs to be fat free and sugar free. I looked at her and said um, no a) portion control alone does not work for me. My weight fluctuates between one to two pounds a week - on portion control alone and b) I avoid anything with aspartame in it. She did say that fresh is better, frozen is next and canned should be avoided. I asked about homemade - canned/preserved foods and she said to just cut in half or leave out the salt and sugar - which I'm thinking is probably a bad idea. I did like what she said about some of the foods and that dieting and forbidding a food doesn't work because your behavior doesn't change. So, now I've got an appointment with a trainer - a necessity because I'm missing my acl - it tore and the stupid idiot doc refused to replace it. Means things I was working towards, I can't do. Stupid idiot. - so, I can get back in the gym and start exercising.

My friend suggested ending every meal with fruit. Which, I think I'm going to try. If I remember right, that is how the French end theirs. What also helps me is too rich foods - I want/need less to be full. I also don't forbid anything. The other big thing - for me - is that I needed to be ready for a change. Weight loss, at least for me and from my point of view - is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. Whether I want to lose weight because I'm tired of it, tired of hurting, or going na-na-na-boo-boo - as long as it's for me and I'm completely ready, I actually have a chance to hit my personal goal.

Friday, January 20, 2012

This Is Going To Hurt –

There is no one else for me to vent to, to talk to, where it isn’t going to cause issue or make me look and feel weak/vulnerable. I signed up to talk to a counselor at the VA. After just the introductory-why are you here meeting, I’m feeling like I pulled a partially healed scab back – just enough to make it hurt. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.

There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Sewing and Stitching in 2012

In the interest of prioritizing my sewing and stitching projects and actually make headway on them....

1. Finish the sports afghan for my nephew
2. Finish three ornaments for my new great nieces
3. Finish the wedding sampler for my friends T & L
4. Finish the wedding sampler for my niece and her new husband
5. Finish three birth announcements
6. Finish two ornaments for my daughter
7. Finish TW Storyteller
8. Finish the block of the month quilt tops from the last 4 years and either quilt them or get them quilted
9. Make new garb, on time, for my daughter
10. Make pants, suit coat/jacket, and shirts for me for work
11. Post pictures.

I think that will keep me busy, although it may be slightly ambitious given the fact that I'm working full time and going to school full time. But, if I don't give myself goals I'll never accomplish anything.

Friday, January 06, 2012

New Year - New Changes and Choices

So, what are everyone's New Year's Resolutions or Promises to Yourself?

Since resolutions are rather easy to break - it's just a goal after all, these are things I promise myself to accomplish or work on accomplishing this year.

I promise myself to:
1. Declutter my house
2. write 2000 words a day
3. Finish my writing plan,
4. Finish my business plan (strategic plan - non profit business style but for writing)
5. Excercise daily
6. Run a 5k
7. Stitch or sew weekly
8. Have a 'sassy' new year
9. Get out more
10. Apply to the VA for my benefits
11. Try to be more approachable and outgoing
12. Learn ASL
13. Blog regularly
14. Host either a sit and stitch, writer's day retreat, or dinner once a quarter
15. Become more financially independent and responsible
16. Take steps to increase my knowledge base in several different areas
17. Renew my first responder cpr/first aid cert.
18. Organize my stuff - in a manner that is comfortable to me, my beliefs and priorities
19. Either bead or scrapbook once a quarter.

And Most importantly

20. Stay in touch/communication with my friends and sisters better.

Now, some of these are going to be hard for me, because while I'm not really a shy person, my hearing loss has made it hard and uncomfortable for me to be in large crowds because even with my hearing aids, there are a lot of things that I miss and I'm not the type of person that can really laugh at myself or be okay with looking stupid. But, I do want to get out more, meet more people - maybe even dateable people, and take more steps towards having a fun/sassy type of life. I'd like to play more games, but I don't always want to play magic the gathering style card based games, but there are plenty of other games to play.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Random Venting

I really want to quit. Everything really. No, I'm not suicidal, it's not that bad, but I really want to at least sit this round out. I'm tired of trying to balance school, job hunting (unsuccessful - it would help if I left the state, but I'm still in school, so I can't), a tween who either truly doesn't get things or wants everything given to her and I'm not really sure which at this point, absolutely no privacy, constant interruptions, and the lack of money. The fact that my family still thinks I'm wasting my time on my writing doesn't bother me, nor does it bother me that most of my friends won't read my books - it's not for them, I understand that. No, what is bothering me is that I can't find it in me to be a b*tch or mean. I keep trying to help everyone, keep putting others in front of me until I want to scream.

By helping a friend out, I lost my office/craft room - which had quickly become my sanctuary. This same friend is strapped for cash, so right now I'm providing everything - but she's not helping around the house - even after asking her too. My TV is always on, half the lights are usually on, my daughter is having problems adjusting to a roommate, and every time I turn around she's eating something - which wouldn't bother me, but it's things that I need or have a specific purpose for. I mean really, who goes and opens a tub of frosting and eats all of it without asking if there is a reason.

The constant interruptions because since I'm writing or editing or whatever from home I must need to talk to someone are driving me insane.

The problem is the roommate I got myself into, and I have to put up with it, because I still haven't found a job and I need help with the bills and rent.

I applied for 2 dozen jobs this week and an internship. A friend of mine keeps recommending a professional organization through her church, but I'm not comfortable at church or with overly pushing religious people (any religion, no specific brand/type), so I haven't. Again, it feels wrong to me to go to a church for help when I don't go to church and don't plan on it.

Tonight the chicken was well flavored, but dry and there were way too many veggies and liquid for the dish. So, I'll keep the chicken and use it another dish and toss the veggies.

I am going to a conference on medical humanities tomorrow and Friday, but I don't know that I am going to finish my book on time. It's due by Saturday. If it's late, I could very well lose this contract. And I need every contract and release I can get. Money is tight. The economy in my state absolutely sucks. I'm over qualified for some jobs and under qualified for others. There isn't enough food or money to go around.

What I want is a break. A job, a real job with real hours that pays weekly, because even though I will lose writing time, I will lose 3/4's of my stress. I'm not, nor have I ever expected, to make money like a lot of big name authors - at least not to start, but a day job to cut the stress would be lovely.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Paths To Take

Never before have I ever doubted my path in life. Not where my writing is concerned. I always knew that I growing and learning to do, but I would be better for it. I would be published. Today though, I'm seriously doubting my path in life. I'm beginning to think that writing is a serious waste of time. Something better left in notebooks, journals and thumbdrives lost under the bed or used to line the litter box. Something for me to do when the characters won't shut up, but not to be shared. Not any more.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Secrets - they can be good things or they can be bad things. Sometimes, though, they just are.

A good many of my friends and family know that I can't hear - not really well - it's not something I was born with, it's an effect from being in the military. That along with a few other things.

There was no point in time where I was given a choice - do I want this or that - do I want to accept, adjust, deal - there was no choice, there only is. I had to accept and adjust to the hearing loss, just like I have to accept, adjust and deal with other things like no more kids, thyroid issues, and dental issues. All from the same time period. I have a huge amount of confidence for most things. I know mostly who I am and what I want and where I'm going. Great, right - mostly. But the fact that I can't hear a lot of things means I built more walls, allow myself to be perceived as shy or weak. Why? Because I'm scared of making a mistake. One that will have people laughing at me at the best and causing someone their life at the worse. I worry that I won't hear my daughter when she needs it. I allow myself to stick around family and friends even when I know they are bad for me, not because I fear change - love change, but because I never know what I'm missing that I needed.

I've never asked why me, but I wonder - often - if I am ever going to find the right person for me - if they will accept me as I am? Will they be okay with the closed captioning on the screen of the tv, deal with the fact that plays, movies, and concerts are hard for me and sometimes not doable.

We live in a world where communication is key. My jobs depend on my ability to communicate. I completely trust few people because sometime I have to rely on them to tell me what I missed and I need to know that what I'm being told is the truth. Hearing enables communication, not being able to hear, hinders my communication. And that scares me. It is one of the few things that I'm scared about.

I want to learn ASL, but the only classes I can find are at the university level - I don't need or want a grade, I need to be able to communicate. I need to know what is happening in the world around me.

There are things I want to try, but I can't because without someone I trust around to make sure I'm not missing the signals I need, it's not safe.

I don't like talking on phones anymore than I have to, and I don't like talking to people with heavy accents - not because I don't like them or because of some nonsensical idea that they took my job away or a job from a 'real' American - no, it's because I can't decipher what they are saying. I have a friend - my best friend and it is getting harder and harder to talk to them on the phone because too many of the words run together.

PA systems, loud speakers, announcers - I can't understand anything. I don't hear my smoke detector. And the sounds that the emergency broadcasters make, I don't hear.

This isn't a topic I talk about to my friends or family - it's one that I'll work through because I have no choice. But sometimes it would have been nice to have been given a choice.