There is no one else for me to vent to, to talk to, where it isn’t going to cause issue or make me look and feel weak/vulnerable. I signed up to talk to a counselor at the VA. After just the introductory-why are you here meeting, I’m feeling like I pulled a partially healed scab back – just enough to make it hurt. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.
There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.