Working Towards A Better Me

This year I've decided that I am ready to work towards a better me. It kinda goes with that whole realization that it's easier to tell strangers, whom I don't care what they think, that I'm hard of hearing than it is my friends, for whom it does matter. So, I let the doc make me an appointment with the weight-loss person.

The first thing she did was break out a BMI chart - which was developed around the civil war to chart population growth - as in thousands of people when the average height was around 5'6 for men and 5'0" for women. It's not and was not intended to be used as a health indicator and is full of crap. She was really pissed and says "well, you don't have to use it" - I said I won't, but I already know I'm overweight and I know how much I want to look like I lose. Muscle weighs more than fat so, I'm after a body shape not weight or size.

Her whole shpeel is that if I just do portion control that I will lose weight. And that three big meals are better than 6 little ones. Oh, and everything needs to be fat free and sugar free. I looked at her and said um, no a) portion control alone does not work for me. My weight fluctuates between one to two pounds a week - on portion control alone and b) I avoid anything with aspartame in it. She did say that fresh is better, frozen is next and canned should be avoided. I asked about homemade - canned/preserved foods and she said to just cut in half or leave out the salt and sugar - which I'm thinking is probably a bad idea. I did like what she said about some of the foods and that dieting and forbidding a food doesn't work because your behavior doesn't change. So, now I've got an appointment with a trainer - a necessity because I'm missing my acl - it tore and the stupid idiot doc refused to replace it. Means things I was working towards, I can't do. Stupid idiot. - so, I can get back in the gym and start exercising.

My friend suggested ending every meal with fruit. Which, I think I'm going to try. If I remember right, that is how the French end theirs. What also helps me is too rich foods - I want/need less to be full. I also don't forbid anything. The other big thing - for me - is that I needed to be ready for a change. Weight loss, at least for me and from my point of view - is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. Whether I want to lose weight because I'm tired of it, tired of hurting, or going na-na-na-boo-boo - as long as it's for me and I'm completely ready, I actually have a chance to hit my personal goal.

This Is Going To Hurt –

There is no one else for me to vent to, to talk to, where it isn’t going to cause issue or make me look and feel weak/vulnerable. I signed up to talk to a counselor at the VA. After just the introductory-why are you here meeting, I’m feeling like I pulled a partially healed scab back – just enough to make it hurt. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.

I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.

There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.

Sewing and Stitching in 2012

In the interest of prioritizing my sewing and stitching projects and actually make headway on them....

1. Finish the sports afghan for my nephew
2. Finish three ornaments for my new great nieces
3. Finish the wedding sampler for my friends T & L
4. Finish the wedding sampler for my niece and her new husband
5. Finish three birth announcements
6. Finish two ornaments for my daughter
7. Finish TW Storyteller
8. Finish the block of the month quilt tops from the last 4 years and either quilt them or get them quilted
9. Make new garb, on time, for my daughter
10. Make pants, suit coat/jacket, and shirts for me for work
11. Post pictures.

I think that will keep me busy, although it may be slightly ambitious given the fact that I'm working full time and going to school full time. But, if I don't give myself goals I'll never accomplish anything.

New Year - New Changes and Choices

So, what are everyone's New Year's Resolutions or Promises to Yourself?

Since resolutions are rather easy to break - it's just a goal after all, these are things I promise myself to accomplish or work on accomplishing this year.

I promise myself to:
1. Declutter my house
2. write 2000 words a day
3. Finish my writing plan,
4. Finish my business plan (strategic plan - non profit business style but for writing)
5. Excercise daily
6. Run a 5k
7. Stitch or sew weekly
8. Have a 'sassy' new year
9. Get out more
10. Apply to the VA for my benefits
11. Try to be more approachable and outgoing
12. Learn ASL
13. Blog regularly
14. Host either a sit and stitch, writer's day retreat, or dinner once a quarter
15. Become more financially independent and responsible
16. Take steps to increase my knowledge base in several different areas
17. Renew my first responder cpr/first aid cert.
18. Organize my stuff - in a manner that is comfortable to me, my beliefs and priorities
19. Either bead or scrapbook once a quarter.

And Most importantly

20. Stay in touch/communication with my friends and sisters better.

Now, some of these are going to be hard for me, because while I'm not really a shy person, my hearing loss has made it hard and uncomfortable for me to be in large crowds because even with my hearing aids, there are a lot of things that I miss and I'm not the type of person that can really laugh at myself or be okay with looking stupid. But, I do want to get out more, meet more people - maybe even dateable people, and take more steps towards having a fun/sassy type of life. I'd like to play more games, but I don't always want to play magic the gathering style card based games, but there are plenty of other games to play.