Thursday, May 04, 2006

Finals Wrap Up

They're done. I'm done. Well, for the summer. I'm excited. Photography Show and Tell went well. Everyone did good. Beginner class -- 'what's a camera?' to 'I like it, but I would've liked to ....' . It was fun. I'd like to take more. But I already blogged that. Women's Lit -- I winged it. I passed. Chemistry and A&P -- maybe pass, maybe fail. This from a straight A student who last year flipped out at anything less than an A. F--- It. That has been my attitude lately. But I have a pretty good idea why.

At the start of 2005 my dad was in the hospital every 2 weeks and we never knew if he was going to come out of it or not. August 3rd, it was a Wednesday, I get a call from my brother, we're heading to Ann Arbor, we'll be there in 10 minutes. August 28th, my dad died. Three weeks later, we find out that my niece was abused by someone we all know. Four Days before Christmas my brother's house burns down with them just barely getting out. I wasn't even a full minute away from burying my entire family. Three weeks later my nephew is born (hey, look a bright spot). 8 days later, on Jan. 16th, my roommate and one of my best friends dies. I found her. I knew right away. I have guilt. Lots of it. I have a schedule of classes I can't keep, but because I'm financial aid probation, I can't change. So I don't stop running. I make it to my classes, barely. My brain and my body are calling it quits. I've been sick since January, it's getting worse. Survival mode kicked in and there is nothing I can do about it. And really, at this point I don't want too. Something had to give -- I knew this -- it gave -- I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be something so mundane as classes or a committment -- sometimes, just sometimes, knowing yourself this well, sucks. No place to run. No place to hide. The most I hope for right now is recovery. Recoup. Does my family know? Care? Understand? Nope. The biological ones don't. But sometimes, biology isn't everything. So for now, I'll huddle in on myself for a few days before starting down a new road not back to where I was, but back to where I need to be.

1 comment:

Stasha said...

Just think, a few weeks and you'll be out here where we can pamper you.