Keys and Clue-by-Fours

The most interesting things happen when you least expect it. Innocent conversations turn down a deeper path. You are shown a box (mine is wood, carved by someone who cared) and handed not crowbar but a small key and told to try it. On faith.

No clue-by-fours, when there probably should've been at least one, probably more. But I'm starting to see where I need to go. Which path to take (it's the one that's faint and barely there, not even a true path, just faint footsteps of a group of people travelling in the same general direction.).

Another Depressing Book

Really -- what is it with authors of non-genre fiction -- Literature *shivers* -- that believe that the only good ending is a horribly sad ending? I read this one book that is totally engrossing with really good characters and a good story that was well written -- hate the pov chosen though -- first person present -- ugh with small hangup -- through the whole thing you expect victory for the main character -- and expect the supporting character - her sister -- to not win = do you get it? NOpe. Shortly after winning her case the heroine is killed in a car accident. And still you are denied the full dawning realization of the parents. ugh. If I had known it was a tragic ending like Romeo and Juliet, I would never have read the book. And now, if ya'll don't mind, I'm going to go read something where good can still win, evil loses, and hope never dies. Too much in the fantasy realm? Really, with how hard and inescapable our lives become, with more stress and trauma than we think our bodies and souls can take, is it so much to ask to be reminded that miracles can happen? That good still prevails? That evil is vanquished? That there is still a place for hope and love? Or are we so grounded in science and realism that we forget to live, breathe, believe, love? Love isn't science its emotion. Emotion takes guts. Science takes nothing.

As I Was Working ...

When I sit down to write, I always have music on that suits my project. Well, I'm working on a short fantasy right now that I can figure out what music to play with it, so I put in LOTR -- Fellowship of the Ring and I start writing. I look up and Legolas is looking shocked (Gandalf has just died) and confused. I continue writing and look up a few pages later, and Boramir has died. I wrote quite a bit tonight. But the emotional impact of those two scenes reminded me of where I need to be with my own work.

Thoughts on a Discussion

My friend and I had a discussion about the message given by their pastor Sunday --

He said "Only Jesus is the true child of God, the rest of us were adopted, accepted, and brought into His family."

Think about it....

Scary Isn't It

One of the scariest things in the world -- at least to me -- is when you realize your body and brain can no longer handle what they have been and start to shut down. It's started out simply -- requiring extra effort to concentrate on lectures -- I have a really good friend who sat near me and helped me out -- either by caring on converstations or playing hangman (while still takeing notes) so that my brain could stay engaged long enough to get through class. Easily distracted. Sleeping, or trying to sleep more. It's really scary. It's even scarier when you realize what is going on and why. Summer this year = recovery.

Bitter Sweet

I graduated this past Friday with an Associates in Arts and hopefully an Associates in Science. As I sat through practice at 8:30 in the morning, I realized that the two people who should be there the most, weren't. My dad supported me even when b*tchlet (his fiancee) barely allowed us into his house. And Nancy, I wouldn't have been able to make it through school without her. And while I know they were there in spirit, neither would miss it for the world, it isn't the same. And I miss them both terribly.


Sometimes excitement is just an excuse to hide the pain.

Finals Wrap Up

They're done. I'm done. Well, for the summer. I'm excited. Photography Show and Tell went well. Everyone did good. Beginner class -- 'what's a camera?' to 'I like it, but I would've liked to ....' . It was fun. I'd like to take more. But I already blogged that. Women's Lit -- I winged it. I passed. Chemistry and A&P -- maybe pass, maybe fail. This from a straight A student who last year flipped out at anything less than an A. F--- It. That has been my attitude lately. But I have a pretty good idea why.

At the start of 2005 my dad was in the hospital every 2 weeks and we never knew if he was going to come out of it or not. August 3rd, it was a Wednesday, I get a call from my brother, we're heading to Ann Arbor, we'll be there in 10 minutes. August 28th, my dad died. Three weeks later, we find out that my niece was abused by someone we all know. Four Days before Christmas my brother's house burns down with them just barely getting out. I wasn't even a full minute away from burying my entire family. Three weeks later my nephew is born (hey, look a bright spot). 8 days later, on Jan. 16th, my roommate and one of my best friends dies. I found her. I knew right away. I have guilt. Lots of it. I have a schedule of classes I can't keep, but because I'm financial aid probation, I can't change. So I don't stop running. I make it to my classes, barely. My brain and my body are calling it quits. I've been sick since January, it's getting worse. Survival mode kicked in and there is nothing I can do about it. And really, at this point I don't want too. Something had to give -- I knew this -- it gave -- I just didn't realize that it wouldn't be something so mundane as classes or a committment -- sometimes, just sometimes, knowing yourself this well, sucks. No place to run. No place to hide. The most I hope for right now is recovery. Recoup. Does my family know? Care? Understand? Nope. The biological ones don't. But sometimes, biology isn't everything. So for now, I'll huddle in on myself for a few days before starting down a new road not back to where I was, but back to where I need to be.