Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The Next Step

I feel like I'm at the edge of a precipice. The river having give way to a gorge because I've waited so long to take the next step.

But how do you know how to cross the river when no one around you can see the blasted thing. And no one around you can help you to find a way. Awakening was tough, partly because I'm older and partly because I come from one of those families with set, unspoken, and unbreakable rules. I can accept awakening and am willing to find out what it all means and entails, but I don't know where to go from here. I'm not happy where I am, and I don't know the way to get across. Everytime I try jumping into the water, I get swept back to shore. And now, I must trust that I have wings and that I know or at least will learn how to use them in case the wind tries to blow me off course.

Awakening didn't negate my spiritual bonds with my God, it has deepened them. And with every course that I take that tries to tell me that this couldn't have existed or that was just myth, I find the hints to the truth. That they did exist. Do exist. And the proof will come out eventually.

But I don't know what it is I need to be or do to be happy. I'm not happy with myself because I still have this huge feeling of responsibility and duty that prevents me from packing up, taking my DD, and kissing it all good-bye. I'm upset with my family for taking advantage of it. And I hate the indecision that comes with not knowing which way to go. All the paths are open, some marked, some not, some merely faint shadows of the way once taken, and I stand in the middle of them all, dazed and confused. Alone, because although I can see others like me, know they are there, I cannot reach them. And those I can reach have extremely different values. Some of it is age, but some of it is in the heart.

The night engulfs me, the moon shines her brillance, the God of ages is surrounding me, and all should be peaceful. But I cannot reconcile the two worlds I live in. Neither one a lie and neither one complete.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Seek out those that will wrap themselves around you and hold you afloat along the way. Walk the forbidden path. Seek the unseekable. When you cant find your way and frustration tries to overcome you scream at the top of your lungs to disturb the crows of confusion and set them scattering form the trees.

If you do not draw strength from those around you that support you, then where do you think you will get your strength?

What fun is life following other expectations? set the brush afire and do that which you do not dare.