Thursday, November 09, 2006

Mixed Emotions

Emotions and relationships have to be the two most complicated subjects ever!

Lately, I've been experiencing feelings that piss me off. Rather shameful ones. They are to me. Bad and inappropriate. My one sister tells me that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are and that it is your actions that are good or bad. She has point. I don't plan on acting on my emotions, they aren't anyone else's fault. I do plan on ridding myself of them though.

I have a friend that went through something like I did and followed basically the same course of action. For her it's been months, for me years. She goes out with her friends and every single guy in the place is ogling and trying to pick her up, she's not even trying. Me, I go out with friends, and guys run. Even given our physical differences -- she's tall and statuesque, and I'm not so much. Short and a bit overweight (and yes I realize that is one source of my problem), but there's more to it than that.

Example, when you are at a restaurant, the waitor/waitress usually look to the guy or the most obivious leader of the group. I went out with some of my friends and the waitress looks to me. Mind you, there is a guy in our group.

It gets a bit old, when everytime I'm ready to start dating or am getting close, yet again, God throws a curve ball, and I don't get it. I don't meet anyone. Not for me. NOt a soulmate or even a boyfriend. I now have less stress and pressing things in my life and I'm surrounded by 18 - 24 year olds, which at my age, are so undateable. I'm fast becoming jaded. TO the extent of "love is overrated". Interesting lessons I'm learning. I've got patience, I've got tolerance (mostly), I've got strength and confidence. I've been taught I need to lean on someone, but it's like a carrot -- just out of sight -- like God is saying "here this is what you need, but I'm not going to give it to you." Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with my friend's luck and growth that's she's going through, it just points out more area that I don't measure up in. I stand on my own two feet, I've fought hard to get here, and I now I feel like I"m being punished, or refused for it. eehhh, what the H*ll.

wow, that sounds a lot like a whine. Crap.

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