Pay It Forward

In the true sense of the season and the spirit of Pay it forward, a complete stranger picked up the bill when my grandma, DD, and I went out to dinner last night. A true blessing. And as I was blessed, may I bless others.

Children...

I was in the ER last night because I was a clutz and thought I broke my foot -- it's sprained -- but they had to take x-rays and my DD kept asking if she could see them. They gave me a splint and were going to discharge me when the tech realized the supervising doc hadn't seen me. All this time my DD is asking about the xrays and can she see them. The doc comes in, checks my foot and says I'm good to go. And my DD asks to see the X-rays. The doc says sure and takes her down to see the xrays. She was so excited to see my bones and that they were all okay.

And for Christmas, she'd already asked for a put together skelton and human body model -- the ones the book stores sell --

my DD the doctor???

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My DD asked me one night if she could sleep in my bed, because she will play in her room and she won't play in my room, because it's too mommyish.


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I love it when my DD opens the refridgerator and the cupboards after school looking for something to eat, only to come and tell me there is nothing to eat, and we need to go to the store to get groceries.


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"But mom, I can't have any Halloween candy, it's bad for me. Can I have an apple instead?"

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"But I don't want to read. It's too hard."

(told to my brother and me, and in the 40 minute reading period, she read half of an American Chiller)

The Root of the Emotions

I talked with a couple of my friends and was able to get to the root of my problems -- well some of them anyway. It all boils down to I want what I can't have. It's not something I can buy, borrow, or even make. I want my mother's approval and unconditional love. I know she loves me. I know that if it were me sitting in my sister's hospital bed, after losing her fingers at work, she'd never leave, she'd do as much for me as she did for my step-sister.

I can't have her approval, so now I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Mixed Emotions

Emotions and relationships have to be the two most complicated subjects ever!

Lately, I've been experiencing feelings that piss me off. Rather shameful ones. They are to me. Bad and inappropriate. My one sister tells me that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are and that it is your actions that are good or bad. She has point. I don't plan on acting on my emotions, they aren't anyone else's fault. I do plan on ridding myself of them though.

I have a friend that went through something like I did and followed basically the same course of action. For her it's been months, for me years. She goes out with her friends and every single guy in the place is ogling and trying to pick her up, she's not even trying. Me, I go out with friends, and guys run. Even given our physical differences -- she's tall and statuesque, and I'm not so much. Short and a bit overweight (and yes I realize that is one source of my problem), but there's more to it than that.

Example, when you are at a restaurant, the waitor/waitress usually look to the guy or the most obivious leader of the group. I went out with some of my friends and the waitress looks to me. Mind you, there is a guy in our group.

It gets a bit old, when everytime I'm ready to start dating or am getting close, yet again, God throws a curve ball, and I don't get it. I don't meet anyone. Not for me. NOt a soulmate or even a boyfriend. I now have less stress and pressing things in my life and I'm surrounded by 18 - 24 year olds, which at my age, are so undateable. I'm fast becoming jaded. TO the extent of "love is overrated". Interesting lessons I'm learning. I've got patience, I've got tolerance (mostly), I've got strength and confidence. I've been taught I need to lean on someone, but it's like a carrot -- just out of sight -- like God is saying "here this is what you need, but I'm not going to give it to you." Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with my friend's luck and growth that's she's going through, it just points out more area that I don't measure up in. I stand on my own two feet, I've fought hard to get here, and I now I feel like I"m being punished, or refused for it. eehhh, what the H*ll.

wow, that sounds a lot like a whine. Crap.