Sad Anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of my roommate, mother figure, guiding light, conscence, and friend's death. Some things have changed. Some have not. I've made it a year, sometimes just barelly. Clinging onto the precipace with my finger nails. I have missed her terribly these last 12 months. There is an emptiness in my heart that can't be replaced.

I miss you Nancy. I hope you know how much we love you. Still.

Different Views

I find it interesting that two seperate views on something can produce totally different results.


Friends of mine when they are exposed to or suspect that they have been exposed to germs (i.e. cold, flu, or whatever) sterilize everything they can -- including the air. I, on the other hand, change nothing of my habits. The results -- they are sicker longer and worse. I am sick rarely and less severely and my DD is hardly sick at all.


My theory has long been that if you sterilize everything and promote a culture of germ-a-phobs, you will weaken your immune system -- the natural one you're born with -- while systematically creating supergerms.

Now, this is not to say that I'm against medical intervention, just that it should be used with common sense and a little education. It is amazing what the human body can do. Naturally. And while I'm studying science, it's the not the end-all-be-all. Not all of the answers can be found in science. Not all of the answers can be found in any one area.

2007 Goals

Again I’ve divided my goals into three parts –

Stitching and Sewing
1. Finish Storyteller
2. Finish SDad Sweatshirt
3. Finish Celtic Banner
4. Finish 2006 Thimbleberries quilt
5. Finish 2007 Thimbleberries quilt
6. Do scrap quilt – Monkey Wrench Quilt for Mom
7. Do the W. quilt
8. Irish Chain in Pink for DD
9. Granny Square quilts for N sisters and mom
10. Finish Ren Costume
11. Make winter weather Ren garb
12. Make Civil War gown (day or evening)
13. Finish new bodices for ren garb
14. Finish 7 shirts for me
15. Clothes for me
16. Clothes for DD

Writing
1. Finish DT
2. Submit DT
3. Finish GTF
4. Finish HA
5. Figure out major themes, storylines, and order for RH/RME
6. Finish TMCT completely
- WW
- EK
- EW
7. Write 2-10 pages a day
8. Contact at least 3 agents
9. Contact at least 3 editors
10. Attend RWA Nationals
11. Join FFP SIC of RWA
12. Participate in NaNoWriMo (write more than 2,000 words)
13. Enter Golden Heart (if eligible)
14. Look at RT possibilities in 2008


General

1. Lose Weight
2. Read w/ DD daily
3. Read more
4. Stay on top of finances
5. Stay on top of schoolwork
6. Organize and de-clutter my house
7. Get my CNA
8. Get job
9. Live w/in my means
10. Simplify my life
11. Get to myself better (aka get to know my inner elf)
12. Exercise 5X a week
13. Yoga 3X a week
14. Get DD a bike
15. ride w/ DD
16. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes
17. Take DD to Binder Park
18. Take DD to local Art Museum
19. Get zoo membership
20. Take DD to GR Art museum
21. Take DD to GR public museum
22. Take DD to state capital
23. Take DD to Ford Museum in GR
24. Take DD to Ford Museum in D.
25. Take DD to Frankenmuth w/ my mom
26. Frankenmuth w/ mom, sil, aunts
27. Take DD to Chicago
28. Save up to go to SLC, Nashville, or Vegas to see as many of my sisters as I can.
29. Celebrate Christmas this year.
30. Start Christmas shopping early.

Goals Wrap Up 2006

Overall, 2006 wasn’t that great. I graduated from the community college and started at the university, but I didn’t make it into the program I wanted to. And the whole year was offset by the fact that my roommate died 16 days into the year. A fact that haunted me throughout the year and came through at Christmas, when I didn’t put up a tree or anything, which really was okay, since we weren’t home for Christmas anyway. Really, holidays were celebrated this year, because my of DD, for her sake. For me, I was okay without them.
I made some of my goals, and not others. But life happens and there isn’t anything that can be done about it.

Writing Goals –
1. Write 2-6 pages daily --Nope, but I started too, and it makes my list of 2007 goals
2. Finish WW – I didn’t. I stopped working on it when I decided that all of the characters had to die. I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy.
3. Finish EK -- I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy, since you can’t finish the series without any of the lead or supporting characters.
4. Finish EW -- I’m taking a sabbatical from the trilogy, since you can’t finish the series without any of the lead or supporting characters.
5. Finish DR – Nope, but I made some progress.
6. Finish GTF – I made progress on it.
7. Contact at least 1 editor for MCT -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
8. Contact at least 1 editor for DR -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
9. Contact at least 1 editor for GTF -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
10. Finish RTF – Nope. Didn’t even start it.
11. Contact at least1 editor for RTF -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
12. Contact at least 1 editor specializing or dealing with Sci-Fi and Fantasy -- There is no reason to contact an editor or an agent if the project isn’t completed.
13. Attend RWA National Conference -- Yeah, there was no money for a conference this year, and not a strong desire either. Better luck in 2007
14. Look into SFWA Conference’s -- did, don't remember what I found --
15. Join RWA SIC FFP – Almost, filled the paperwork out, but the fees were suppose to go through paypal and my acct never worked out. I’ll retry in 2007.
16. Organize research – hard copy and digital – Mostly. Probably need another filing cabinet to fit it all though.
17. Participate in NANOWRIMO -- I did. And I got about 2,000 words written and then the prof’s spring things like 4 papers with bibliographies and multiple sources (for books you either need to borrow or buy) due at the end of the month. Ugh.
18. Enter RWA’s Golden Heart – Didn’t finish anything to enter. It goes back on the goals for 2007.
19. Subscribe to Writer’s Digest, Realms of Fantasy, Asimov – Nope, but I buy them when I can.

General Goals –
1. Lose about 100 lbs -- Started, but lost the momentum. Ready to hit it again.
2. Exercise at least 3 times a week – I was going 5 times a week, but it didn’t last.
3. Look into joining the YMCA – No need to, school has a great gym with good hours.
4. Eat Healthier – Yup. Feel better too.
5. Cut out Pop – Yup. Feel better too.
6. Swim at least 3 times a week – Nope, open swim isn’t that often, which really sucks.
7. Put together a spreadsheet(s) of all of my books, music, movies, Cross Stitch, and sewing stuff and keep a copy off site. – I’m still working on it.
8. Encourage and help N to do the same thing. -- Doesn't apply, since she died on the 16th of January.
9. Put Together My Reading List and try to buy those books, if not borrow them from the Library – Yes, I have it, but I haven’t had a chance to do a lot of reading for pleasure. Ick. Better luck in 2007.
10. Read at least two books a month, one should hopefully be a classic – Not a chance, once school started up == at least not for pleasure and not ones I’d read on my own. But a couple of them were actually pretty cool.
11. Put together Christmas gift idea list of things to get people – I did. And I even used it. I do have next year’s list started – well it’s this year’s since it’s already 2007.
12. Start Christmas Shopping Early -- I did. Good thing too.
13. Finish Christmas Shopping by November 15th. – Hehehehe – Nope. Still not finished.
14. Start Christmas Baking Early. Freeze if necessary. – I didn’t bake anything.
15. Have Cookie and Ornament Exchange the 1st week of December, with all ornaments and invitations being homemade. – Cancelled because of snow and I wasn’t up for it.
16. Put together a list of all of the things I need and want for the house, start getting them, slowly – Started it. It’s on hold until I buy a house of my own.
17. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom.-- Did it. Will need to do it again.
18. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room. -- Did it.
19. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage - Did it.
20. Clean, organize, and declutter the living room. - Did it.
21. Take DD to Binder Park - Did it.
22. Take DD to Kalamazoo Air Zoo -- 2007?
23. Take DD to Utah to visit friends -- 2007?
24. Take DD to Dallas to visit family - Did it.
25. Take DD to John Ball Park Zoo -- 2007?
26. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes -- 2007?
27. Spend more quality time with DD – Yes, I think I did. But it’s still something I need to work on.
28. Stay on top of finances (includes paying off bills whenever possible) –Mostly.
29. Stay on top of Schoolwork, -- Mostly. I made 3 A’s and a B this Semester. And I graduated from GRCC in May
30. Stay on the Dean’s list – New school, new rules, we’ll see if I made it. I didn’t for my last semester at GRCC, but really, it’s okay. I was happy to graduate. Last year was almost as bad as 2005. And that’s saying something.
31. Subscribe to National Geographic, Creating Keepsakes, Memory Makers, and Discovery, -- Yes.
32. Finish applying to Colleges- Did it.
33. Take DD to Bronner’s & Frankenmuth with my mom – Nope. Maybe in 2007
34. Weekend trip to Bronner’s and Frankenmuth with Mom, SIL, and Aunt – Yes. And it was fun. My aunts are a trip when they’re drunk.
Stitching and Sewing Goals
1. Finish W. Quilt – Still have to start it.
2. Finish W. Announcement - Did it.
3. Teach at least 1 person to Cross Stitch – I did. My friend from school and my niece.
4. Finish TW Storyteller -- LOL – Better luck in 2007
5. Re-do Nephew #3 birth announcement – Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
6. Stitch Niece #1 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
7. Stitch Niece #2 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
8. Stitch Nephew #5 birth announcement -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
9. Finish scrap quilt for mom – Nope, got sidetracked with the Thimbleberries quilt, she’ll like that one.
10. Finish sweatshirt for Stepdad – Nope. Never got to it.
11. Finish Dragon Quilt for me – Nope, and the fabric got misplaced in the moves.
12. Finish Dutchman’s Puzzle, see if DBro wants it or give it to Uncle – Still couldn’t work on it.
13. Finish my costume, started last year – I don’t think so.
14. Sew DD Halloween Costume – Nope, she wanted a store bought one – it ripped within five minutes, we won’t go that route again.
15. Sew Summer clothes for DD – I did get some done.
16. Sew summer clothes for Niece #2 for her birthday-- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
17. Sew summer clothes for Niece #3 for her birthday -- Nope, and it won’t get done. I don’t stitch or sew for ungrateful buffoons, even if they are family.
18. Finish TW’s Celtic Cross – Nope, but I did work on it.
19. Find and Finish TW’s Futurecast - Did it. And a pic is listed on Ms. Wentzler's Website. Silmarwen
20. Kit Stretch – Nope, not yet.
21. Kit Tempest -- Nope, not yet.
22. Finish The Last Supper (need 36x20 fabric – 28 ct) – Needed new fabric, so it’s been started, but that’s it.
23. Start and Finish Celtic Banner – Hey, I started it. Frogged it. And restarted it. It’s good.
24. Start Resurrection Did it.
25. Stitch Orchid Afghan for Nana (find out which issues it was in and reorder them) – Nope. Needs repairs to finish it.
26. Finish Bird Afghan – Nope, who has time.
27. Subscribe to The Cross Stitcher, Stoney Creek Cross Stitch, The Stitchery, and Just Cross Stitch – I subscribed to one, and will do the rest later.
28. Subscribe to Quilt – Nope, not yet.
29. Find and kit Celtic Angel – Haven’t found it. I might just replace it. We’ll see.


So I accomplished some of my goals and made others. It was another one of those years. Well, 2007, should be much better!

Cheers.

In Rememberence

65 years ago today, Pearl Harbor was bombed. Everyone was affected. Hundreds lost their lives. More lost parts of themselves, some physically, but more as they searched in vain for friends and family in the wreckage. The next day our country went to war.

To those who died and those who lived, we remember and salute you. Thank you.

About my Grades...

If it's about my grades, and your belief that I can't handle the stress of the job I want, let me explain.

In August of 2005, I got home from school, said hello to my daughter, and recieved a phone call from my brother, stating that he'd be there in 10 minutes and we were going to Ann Arbor, UofM hospital. Dad was sick. I had ten minutes to pack, email my profs telling them what was up and didn't know when I'd be back in class, ask my roommate to watch my DD, and say good-bye to her before leaving for the 3 hour drive to the hospital. I kept in touch with a couple of people, while sitting beside my comatosed dad. 3 weeks later, we came home for 3 days. I took my finals and then we went back. One week before classes started, my dad died. I was busy with funeral stuff and didn't go to the first day of school. Two weeks later I learn my neice suffered one of the most destestable things possible at the hands of a reletive -- Court proceedings followed the next year. My SIL's grandparents died in November, and we had the first Thanksgiving without my dad. During finals, 4 days before Christmas, I nearly lost my brother and his entire family in a house fire. THey lost everything, but we had them. The first day of the next semester, my roomate, the woman who was like a mother to me and a grandmother to my DD, died. My DD and I found her. I stood on my own with my DD. And to top it all off, I have friends and family in the war. A man I was sort of seeing went active September 14th, 2001 and and hasn't been home since. Aside from that, this all happened in the last year.

Stress, I can handle. I pulled good grades A's and B's during the worst time, to date, of my life.

Did I include this in my essay -- no, because I stand on my own feet, not on excuses.

Pay It Forward

In the true sense of the season and the spirit of Pay it forward, a complete stranger picked up the bill when my grandma, DD, and I went out to dinner last night. A true blessing. And as I was blessed, may I bless others.

Children...

I was in the ER last night because I was a clutz and thought I broke my foot -- it's sprained -- but they had to take x-rays and my DD kept asking if she could see them. They gave me a splint and were going to discharge me when the tech realized the supervising doc hadn't seen me. All this time my DD is asking about the xrays and can she see them. The doc comes in, checks my foot and says I'm good to go. And my DD asks to see the X-rays. The doc says sure and takes her down to see the xrays. She was so excited to see my bones and that they were all okay.

And for Christmas, she'd already asked for a put together skelton and human body model -- the ones the book stores sell --

my DD the doctor???

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My DD asked me one night if she could sleep in my bed, because she will play in her room and she won't play in my room, because it's too mommyish.


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I love it when my DD opens the refridgerator and the cupboards after school looking for something to eat, only to come and tell me there is nothing to eat, and we need to go to the store to get groceries.


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"But mom, I can't have any Halloween candy, it's bad for me. Can I have an apple instead?"

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"But I don't want to read. It's too hard."

(told to my brother and me, and in the 40 minute reading period, she read half of an American Chiller)

The Root of the Emotions

I talked with a couple of my friends and was able to get to the root of my problems -- well some of them anyway. It all boils down to I want what I can't have. It's not something I can buy, borrow, or even make. I want my mother's approval and unconditional love. I know she loves me. I know that if it were me sitting in my sister's hospital bed, after losing her fingers at work, she'd never leave, she'd do as much for me as she did for my step-sister.

I can't have her approval, so now I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Mixed Emotions

Emotions and relationships have to be the two most complicated subjects ever!

Lately, I've been experiencing feelings that piss me off. Rather shameful ones. They are to me. Bad and inappropriate. My one sister tells me that feelings are neither good or bad, they just are and that it is your actions that are good or bad. She has point. I don't plan on acting on my emotions, they aren't anyone else's fault. I do plan on ridding myself of them though.

I have a friend that went through something like I did and followed basically the same course of action. For her it's been months, for me years. She goes out with her friends and every single guy in the place is ogling and trying to pick her up, she's not even trying. Me, I go out with friends, and guys run. Even given our physical differences -- she's tall and statuesque, and I'm not so much. Short and a bit overweight (and yes I realize that is one source of my problem), but there's more to it than that.

Example, when you are at a restaurant, the waitor/waitress usually look to the guy or the most obivious leader of the group. I went out with some of my friends and the waitress looks to me. Mind you, there is a guy in our group.

It gets a bit old, when everytime I'm ready to start dating or am getting close, yet again, God throws a curve ball, and I don't get it. I don't meet anyone. Not for me. NOt a soulmate or even a boyfriend. I now have less stress and pressing things in my life and I'm surrounded by 18 - 24 year olds, which at my age, are so undateable. I'm fast becoming jaded. TO the extent of "love is overrated". Interesting lessons I'm learning. I've got patience, I've got tolerance (mostly), I've got strength and confidence. I've been taught I need to lean on someone, but it's like a carrot -- just out of sight -- like God is saying "here this is what you need, but I'm not going to give it to you." Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled with my friend's luck and growth that's she's going through, it just points out more area that I don't measure up in. I stand on my own two feet, I've fought hard to get here, and I now I feel like I"m being punished, or refused for it. eehhh, what the H*ll.

wow, that sounds a lot like a whine. Crap.

Weather Sign

Everyday on my way from classes to the parking ramp, I pass by this section of grass that has 3 old oak trees and a couple of other trees that produce red berries. I prefer walking on the grass than the cement walk way and as I do, I cannot take a step without crushing 4 or 5 acorns and the squirrels (1 to 3) don't stop in their frantic gathering to acknowledge my presence. They are either so use to humans that their presence no longer bothers them or they are so worried about the upcoming winter they don't care. Or it could be some combination of the two. I can't read animal actions when it comes to winter, but I acknowledge theat their instincts are generally correct when it comes to surival and weather. Me, I'm not sure what this winter is going to look at since we got somewhere between 5.5 & 8 inches of snow yesterday. (but it was just suppose to be a few showers.) If snow this early in October is any indication, it could be pretty bad. And my campus doesn't close. hmmmmmmmmm

The Stitching Basket

The Wedding Announcement is finished, and now just has to be washed and framed. It is Dragon Dreams Fantasy Wedding Blessing . Here is my version -- #1 and #2, and yes they are upside down. I also have updates of the Celtic Banner , TW Celtic Cross, and The Resurrection and the Life. Here is a pic of Stoney Creek's The Gathering Place that I sent out for my RR.

Backpack Dump

School has started once again. Okay, so it started on the 5th of September. But I've been busy.

So, I walk into my first class on the first day, and I'm looking at a class with 40 individual desks. And I had to wonder what happened to the classrooms filled with hundreds of students, I'd heard about. The second class was set up the same way. It wasn't until my third and last class of the day, I sat in one of those type of halls -- holds 100 students. It was different.

I have 3 upper level classes and 1 lower level class. And wow, can I tell the difference. The three upper level classes have 1 paper, a midterm, and a final for the grading, and that's it. And the lower level has daily quizzes, 3 or 4 tests and a final, and attendance is counted. Very different. I'm an adult in the other 3 classes. Yeah.

I like all of my classes, which is good. My dd also likes her school, which is very good, though I'm not so sure about it. We'll see what happens.

Well Duh!

What idiot actually thought people would be 'over' what happened in 9/11? Probably some moron who has never actually lost anyone or anything. More booksmarts than common sense. (It was a reporter, who seemed surprise at the amount of pain emenating from people. Idjit)

That may seem harsh to some people, but look at it. Really. If you've lost someone or know someone who has, ask yourself, do you ever get 'over it'? My parents lost their youngest son to cancer when he was 4, 21 years ago, and until my father's dying day, he never forgot, he never stopped wondering, asking, thinking, or loving my brother. My mom is still alive, and deals with those questions all of the time, with added guilt over whether she caused it. Logic work in matters of the heart really well. I nearly lost my daugther, nearly not lose, 7 years ago, still scares me sh*tless. And if you really need to get your head out of your a**, ask the survivors from previous wars and attacks, if they are 'over it'.

Where Were You....

Do you rememer where you were, when you heard about New York, Pennsylvania, or the Pentagon?

This year movies have come out about the day, about the events that took place. And I've resisted saying too much. I don't think I'm ready to see it as Hollywierd would have me see it. That is something to be done years from now. Another decade or two, when the wounds aren't so fresh. Until this year, I've resisted watching the news coverage of what happened. I remember where I was, I remember watching it live, I remember. With heart wrenching detail I remember. I wasn't there, I was safe at work several states away. I didn't know anyone personally in any location. But I cried. I cried then and I cried today. And I had to explain to my now 7 year (almost 8) old DD why.

In five years, much has changed. My country wasn't the only one affected, many were. Both by the act and the aftermath. My travels are now endless security screenings, my freedom's have been encrouched on by the government in the name of security. And I don't feel more secure, I feel more vulnerable. Now, I wonder what the government will do and what our enemies will do.

And yet, an interesting thing happened that day. Two things. Americans became united. Proud of who they are. And most of the world became united. United in pain, senseless, needless pain. It brought us together like nothing else has.

My heart aches today much as it did then. I have more worries now, I have friends, family, in the midst of the fighting. I have guilt for not being there, and hope that it ends soon, with no more dead soldiers. No more flags at half-staff for soldiers who should've come home and didn't.

By time my daughter gets into highschool, today will be an established event, possibly with ceremonies that begin to lose true meaning. By the time my grandchildren learn of 9/11 and the tragedy and ensuing war, it'll be just another historical date to memorize and regurgitate in a boring history class that they are taking because it is required. And they will understand none of the pain I feel now.

Time doesn't necessarily heal wounds, it just takes out the emotion for ensuing generations.

Seen in passing...

"I took your place--"


May we be worthy of the sacrifice.

Why Does Hollywierd ....

...think that after only 5 years, people are really ready to relieve the horror of 9/11? I mean, really... I remember where I was and how I felt...

...and all I got was a....

tin of note cards....

I watched my brother's 4 kids and mine all weekend while they took the bike (Triumph) and rode up to Taquamenon Falls in the U.P. with my mom and stepdad (Harley) and my aunt and uncle (victory), and all I got was a tin of note cards. Granted they are Amy Brown note cards with some of the coolest faeries on them. But still --- note cards vs. motorcycle ride... this is so not fair!

My mom said I needed a husband that could ride before I could come on a trip with them, to which I replied "B*ll Sh*t. I just need a bike." So basically, she won't let me come on along because I'm not a couple. I'll just remember that when it's time for me to go to Ireland or Europe or Seattle or where ever... "sorry, mom, it's just for singles."

In other news though, I'm managing to make my director's life a nightmare -- only sort of -- I finished a short script, the first draft, to shoot this fall. It'll fun. It's cute, kinda artsy, which is so not my style, but since I have to do it (yes, its a choice, but I like being on the set, so I choose to work) I figure, I should give the director as much grief as possible. It makes me happy. Happy writer -- happy people... right... I think so.


P.S. -- yes, all of the kids are still around to give their parents grief. Because I must share. :)

If You Love...

If you love an alpha, should you ask them to stop doing what it is they do that they enjoy? Not just alpha, but anyone. Why marry someone if you hope/plan to change them? That makes them not the person you fell in love with. And you must step back and ask if you really love them, or are you just settling? Are they?

Memories from Lowry AFB

I'm not sure exactly why memories from 3450th Training Squadron at Lowry AFB hit me so suddenly today. There were so many people I'd love to talk to again, we were great friends and sometimes more. There was the weekend that we helped my friend take his first steps into a Viking relgion, there were nights spent talking, watching movies, and generally trying to get through training. THe ones I remember are Bill T, Heather J, Ben D, and mostly there was Eric M. Its been a few years since I last thought of them. I don't know where any of them are any more, but I hope they've all found peace, love, and happiness. I look to the stars, and still see my friends, my comrades, my brothers and sister, and will always remember you. Peace my friends. May you know it in your heart and always.