The Journey To Me

Starts inside, but it does manifest elsewhere. I keep a blog titled "Elven Thoughts and Meanderings" a misnomer to some degree. But, to make it true opens myself up to ridicule by those I have come to trust and consider my friends. Therefore, my options are somewhat limited == I can keep it as is, and begin anew where the title and the content are for the same purpose or I can change the title of this and open a new journal using this title, or I can keep the journal and alter the course of friendships I people I have come to love that I would miss and would not wholly understand or believe --

Perhaps it is best if somethings remain hidden from outside viewers, but therein lies my unhappiness == to be alone and not know my kin, my people...what joy it that lies there.

Thimbleberries

Is a block in the month club at a quilt shop that I discovered while looking for a butcher that one of my friends recommended to me. I signed up for the club on a spur of the moment decision. Yesterday was the first meeting that I went to. I bought the first month right then and sat down with the rest of the ladies, while they were sewing, I started cutting my fabric. I found out what some of my problems with my other quilt block experiences. :) I had a ton of fun and couldn't wait to get home to get more sewing done. The fabric for the Thimbleberries Quilt Club, is all vintage fabrics, a lot of golds, greens, and russets. The center block is an outline print of something. Such as hearts for February. I'm going to stitch the outline. I'm not sure if I want to stitch it black or some other color. I would like to use varigated floss. Maybe something from Weeks Dye Works (Havana, Molasses, Charcoal, or Onyx) or from Sample Threads (Cherry Bark, Forest Glade, Soot, or Black Crow). Since I don't have the center block with me -- they are behind in orders right now, I'm not sure which would look better. There are no bright colors on the fabrics, just muted fall colors. I'm looking forward to finishing it. Though I confess I will probably send it out for quilting, I love making tops, but I'm really lousy at machine and hand quilting. At least right now. Another thing I'd like to learn. Because you can only tie so many quilts. :) I will try and get a photo up as soon I can.

Question to Ponder...

...if this is the third, fourth, hundreth, or more time I've spoken with you and you still begin with "I'm a Christian" or "As a Christian" --- are you trying to convince me or yourself?

---Remember actions always speak louder than words, and the smallest, mostly unseen action, will be heard the loudest.

Today

I brokeded.

On My Photography Class

I have this assignment -- actually it was given 2 weeks ago, and it took me until Friday to figure out what to do. I hadn't realized what a rut my thought process was in. It's still uniquely mine, but there was a difference I hadn't been aware of. The assignment was -- well is -- in 36 shots show 1) freeze motion (but you have to be able to tell it was moving), 2) show motion, 3) show depth of field, and 4) show infinite focal length (at least I believe that is what he called it). So I sat down and tried to process it and come up with creative ways to show things. And I couldn't. I had gotten use to 1 -2 - 3 - 4- 5- steps in order -- linear ways of doing things. Not creative/circular like I was used to doing it. When I stepped outside academia I could do it. Now, my only concern with is, outside of being creative or original enough, is with the ideas and visualizations I did come up with, knowing that what I was trying for is what I got. Since I'm not shooting 1-2-3-4 etc I am writing what the shots are when I take them, so I don't forget. I was thinking of writing down all of the settings I've been using, but I don't know that I want to do that, well more likely, I don't know that I'll have the discipline to do that. The thing that I don't like about homework rolls when there are set numbers of each subject or part is that I can't take multiple pictures in order to get the one I want. That stinketh. I know it's a lot of practice, practice, practice, but I don't know that if what I've been doing (basic record keeping-- taking pictures of my DD, friends, and family) is enough. I've been wondering well two things -- what kind of color film to use (its a b&w class), and wondering about doing an interpretive word set of shots. One roll per word or phrase per week or so. But I don't know that I would want to come up with all of the words or phrases because then I could stack the deck in the way that I like and I am comfortable with. I think the idea is to be challenged. I think that might help me. At least I think so. So, if I do do this, I would want to know if it's b&w or color film to use and the word or phrase. Then when I have them developed I could make sure that I get them on disc too, so that the results can be seen. I also thought about picking a specific scene and taking several shots of it using different settings just to see the effect of it. That would probably take two rolls -- maybe do it twice or even three times -- inside, outside sunny, and outside cloudy. I should get an album of some sort to keep track of all of them -- note film, speed, and all settings so I can do a quick look and go -- oh, so that's what that would look like.

FYI Here Too

Even though a great many literature authors will tell you that you must be depressed, under tension, and despair regularly in order to write anything worth while. I whole-heartedly disagree with that sh*t. First of all, you have to want it. Second of all, you have to have a measure of talent that you were born with, and third of all, you have to guts, determination, and have unquestionable faith in yourself and your abilities. Otherwise, quit. It's easier. Less taxing on those pour fragile nerves and the rejections you recieve for your work won't cause you to go further into depression. But, on the other hand, if you believe that dribble, don't be surprised when the rejections start piling up. Very few people want to read about how depressed you are and how sad everything is.

Enough said.

(It's also posted at Behind the Script.) which is also mine

Woe Is Me....

Well not really... I mean nothing horrible is going on and my stress levels are decreasing. And the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of being a doctor. Not sure though. But I have to wonder, as I'm sitting in my beginning photography class (uses one of those big camera's where everything is manual) listengin to the prof talk about all the differences between him and me...now why couldn't I just apprentice for a while to learn all of the basics. It's not like the prof is teaching me how to think any further outside the box than I already do, ugh. Oh well. I got my slides back, he neglected to tell us our grades. I'm so not comfortable with that. I like to know how I'm doing in a class. Especially since failing is so not an option.

The other day I got to thinking about a few things, and I came to a realization. With the exception of small things (stash, clothes, books, footwear (as it is required by law) and music) all things that are individually less than 30.00 each when I bought them, nothing in my house was new when I got it. Not a thing. Not that that is a bad thing, I'm not materialistic or anything and I am quite aware of the difference bewteen a want and a need. But you know, just once, I'd like something new. LIke, oh I don't know, something that is more me than not. I'd like a car that I don't have to worry about. What I'd really like is one of those hybrids or to live a city with an actual transportation system that reaches all areas. I don't mind having to wait, but some times waiting gets old.

On a totally different train of thought -- I'm trying to organize and file all of my paperwork... that means some of it goes into the circular file too. Works nice. It's been hard. I honestly don't know what to do with all of it. As far as where to put it. And I don't necessarily want to box it all up since that will just shift the problem not solve it.

But for tonight....

I'm outta here.......

Life Goal

I'm doing one of those Life Goal - Change thingy's -- Here is my life goal --

To live simply and honorably, while keeping my values and beliefs in tact and not sacrificing my DD wellfare.

I would prefer to live my life simple and unassuming without attention being called to the people I help or the things I do in order to help others.

Wants vs. Needs

Now there is a definite difference between a want and a need in my not so humble opinion -- I do not need a brand new Ford Ranger XLT 4x4 with an extended cab in hunter green. I live in the city, that is a want. But I do need a new car. See -- want vs. need. I need to move, now. Luxary apartments are a want, however close in price they may be.

Okay, so we know, well, I do, that I don't need any more fabric. For a while. I really don't. However, I do need new clothes, and not knowing if people will grow brains and stop wearing hip huggers with bell bottoms anytime soon, and knowing that whether I am a size 2, 8, or 20, I will not ever wear them. EVER. My arse should not be showing to the world. It's mine and nobody elses. I did buy fabric yesterday. Several yards of it. All to make skirts, because it's warming up and I want to. I do want to go get some of the gauzy stuff from Destination India for a circle skirt still. And I want to get some knit tanks to go with it. And the good thing about the skirts, is that as I loose weight, I can take them in. hehehe.

The Stitching Basket

Welcome to another edition of the Stitching Basket, when I hold myself accountable to the goals I’ve made for myself this year.

Writing Goals –

I started the year off with a bang, averaging about 3 pages a day, but in mid-January my roommate died and I’m still trying to figure out how to tread water. So I haven’t gotten any writing done. Which also means, I haven’t finished anything and I haven’t submitted anywhere. I did start to look for conferences for SFWA and haven’t found a lot, admittedly, I haven’t looked real hard, and I have yet to join RWA SIC FFP hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will.
I haven’t sent in my registration for RWA’s National Conference. Now, I’m wondering if I should even go, given the upheaval here. I have started to organize my research both on my computer and in my filing cabinets – it’s true. I have started separate folders for different subjects and by author(s) or publication(s) when possible. It’s horrible and yucky, and way unnatural, but oh well. It must be done.

General Goals –

Here too, I started the year off with a poof. I started watching what I eat and how much and started exercising three times a week. But I know I'll feel better once I start working out again. And it'll get easier as time goes on. I haven’t checked into YMCA memberships because right now I still have free access to the school’s gym and pool.
I have begun to put together spreadsheets of all of my books, movies, CD’s, Cross Stitch (Wow, I didn’t have nearly as much as I thought. That’s rather sad somehow) and sewing stuff. I have started to get ideas down for Christmas for my friends and family. I basically know what I’m going to get my brother and his family, and my grandma, it’s just my DD, my mom and step-dad, and then my friends….hmmm we’ll see…
I have started to organize my bed room and utility room, now, especially out of necessity. But it’ll be nice have to less clutter taking up space. I mean really, I can’t possibly need all of it!
I made the Dean’s List last semester!!! I’m so thrilled!!!!!!!!!!! GPA is still recovering from the nosedive it took last winter, but oh well. I’m doing the best I can and I can’t ask more than that. My mom and I are thinking about going to Frankenmuth and Bronner’s sometime this spring!!! I can’t wait!!!! And of course we’re going in October -- middle to end hopefully.

And Now for the good part –

Stitching and Sewing Goals
I’ve finished several ornaments for the two Round Robin’s I’m in. I stitched about 100 stitches on Storyteller and then had to frog every blasted one because I count funny. :S I found the pattern for my nephew’s birth announcement, finally, so I’ll be starting that soon. I also have all of the floss I need to finish my step-dad’s sweatshirt. Yeah!!! He may actually get it this year!!! I bought Forest Goddess from Mirabilia and decided I didn’t like the pinky-purple dress and it needs to be more of an orangey-red and so I have to do that before I can start her. But since the Meandering one initiated a SHE SAL I had to find another SHE to work on, so I will be doing the Japanese Angel (which I can't find a picture of online :( ) from Barbara Baatz for my DD. I haven’t found the fabric I want for the Last Supper, which I have to restart because I count funny. But I have started Celtic Banner, finally. I’m thrilled about that one! And since my aunt gave me the Stitch-bow system, I’m finding it’s great for holding everything, though I haven’t had to un-wind any of the bobbin thingy’s yet. And I have decided that I want to get a new (and sturdier = sturdy period) Cross-Stitch Frame. My mom decided she wants one too, but she needs one that holds hoops, which is what she works on, so I think we’ll both be getting one this year. Yeah! And since I inherited all of my roommate’s fabric, I will be doing a lot of scrap quilting this year == well I’ll get the tops done at least. I do want to do at least one each for each of Nancy’s sisters and her mother with the fabric I’m inheriting – But SHHHHHHHHHHH it’s a secret – and maybe even one for the niece she was closest too. She would like that. I don’t know if I’ll do one for her grandson, and it’s low of me, but I know I won’t do one for her son. He broke her heart and I can’t forgive him for that. I do have a quilt and an announcement I need to start because I may even get to go to a wedding this year. It’d be nice. But we’ll see.

Choices

Have you ever noticed how certain events in our lives can lead to seemingly unconcious choices? And then those choices lead to new habits.

For example -- something I'd only realized the other day -- when I first came home after leaving my now-ex, I was 15 minutes early for everything. I was used to that. I was in the habit of doing that. And then something happened to change all that. It was the 23rd of December, my friend L and I were taking my DD and two of her cousin's kids to a local Trees from Around the World Display, and DD and I had to leave early to be at this friend of the family's house for dinner. So, we did and we got there on time, only to find out that I was actually an hour early. They told a couple of us an earlier time so that we would get there on time. They thought it was cute, I was insulted and if it hadn't been for my dad being there, I'd walked out, since I have no use for that sort of thing. And now, I'm mostly chronically late for family get togethers. Why be on time? No one else is. And they're just going to find fault with something anyway. THese were unconcious choices -- unconcious, because I didn't actually make the decisions -- I didn't think about it and then go "oh, yeah, let's do that", it "just happened". It just happened because I didn't do anything to stop it or change it or even look at the root of it until now. And that happened about 4 years ago.

That was my choice in reaction to an event in my life. A defense mechanism? Maybe, possibly. I'm not pysh major, minor, student, or doctor, and I don't play one anywhere...but I do know that our brains are extremely complex and we, as people, develop a thousand different ways to deal with things. Ways that protect us so that we can function in a way that is normal for us. I have a friend who knowingly chooses to avoid situations that compound her grief, makes sense to me, but she probably made some unconcious choices that developed into habits, and are in the process of developing into habits to also deal with things so that she can operate at a level that is normal for her. We're people, it's what we do. Coping techniques, defense mechanisms -- we have them, we develop them, we use them.

Even something as mundane as how clean or unclean, organized or unorganized your house is can sometimes be traced back to an event and a choice. My SIL and Mom have houses that look like they could be on the cover of a magazine -- beautiful -- not a dustbunny out of place -- the type where you are afraid to sit down because you might wrinkle something, bland and neutral in my opinion, and me, I'm the opposite --- mostly. It's not like I have science experiements growing on my counters and in my sink. But you can tell I live here, and I'm comfortable. My house is normally full of life and color and a family that stays busy and active. But I also at one point had a house that belonged on the cover of a pretty house magazine. And looking back, I know where the change came from. It is my reaction to my choices being taken away. If our choices are taken away, we will still react to them.

At least, that's what I've learned, because alas, again, it is a period of introspection. I recommend it to everyone, you learn the most fascinating things about yourself and others.

The Rule Of Four

I've never seen it before, so I thought I'd swipe it from the Lunatic


Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Air Force Jet Mechanic
2. Receptionist at the County Bank and Morgage Company
3. Adjuster at the Evil Unholy Bank
4. Math and English Tutor at the College

Four movies I would watch over and over again:
1. Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. Princess Bride
3. Pirates of the Caribbean
4. Gone With The Wind

Four places I have lived:
1. Kadena Cho, Okinawa, Japan
2. Goldsboro, North Carolina
3. Denver, Colorado
4. Panama City, Florida
(there are more, but that's a fair spread)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Crossing Jordan
2. Law & Order Criminal Intent
3. Good Eats
4. Extreme Makeover Home Edition

Four places I have been on vacation: (Thankfully it doesn't say they have to be recent!)
1. Smokey Mountains
2. Houston, Texas
3. Mackinaw Island, Michigan
4. Caribbean

Four websites I visit daily: (Um, well, I do when I'm online)
1. GRCC, this is more of a must though
2. Dragon Dreams
3. GRRRWA
4. Google

Four of my favourite foods:
1. Dark Chocolate
2. New York Cheesecake
3. Dutch Apple Raisin Bagle with Honey Walnut Cream Cheese from Panera
4. Penne Pasta with Arrabiata Sauce, Pancetta, and Prosciutto

Four places I'd rather be right now
1. Ireland
2. Scotland
3. Greece
4. Caribbean

Four people I am tagging:
The next four Elves that wander by.

Shrouded In Black

Once again, I'm shrouded in Black.

Five years ago I met her, my roomate, my surrogate mother, my sounding board, and my friend. We worked at the evil unholy bank -- the one we were laid off from. Four years ago, along with her niece --on of my best friends -- we became roomates. When my dad was in the hospital she relayed messages back and forth from me and more of my friends, she watched over my DD and made sure she was taken care of. She mothered me and my DD. And last night, she went home. She is without pain, sorrow, or suffering. And I am in pain.

I kick myself for not being there, for not doing more. No one seems to blame me, but me. I said I would take care of her. And I lied. And I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I don't know if she will forgive me.

I have lost my friend and my DD has lost a 2nd grandma.

I am lost.
I am alone in a crowded room.
I am shrouded in black.

Quiz Time

You scored as Albus Dumbledore. Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering. Albus Dumbledore 95% Sirius Black 70% Harry Potter 65% Remus Lupin 65% Ron Weasley 60% Hermione Granger 60% Ginny Weasley 55% Draco Malfoy 55% Severus Snape 35% Lord Voldemort 5% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

WW => EK => WW Again

The story I've been working on forever now, has become three. Today, in hopes of meeting my new resolution -- at least one of them, I've written about 5 pages, but I also figured out how to keep track of the "texts, letters, prophacies, and other documents" used in my story. NOt to mention the timeline and printed out the first 10 chapters so that I can start to edit, revise, and check for consistancy. I'm hoping that this will be finished by February 1st.

Big Burning Ball in the Sky

All across the county people stood in awe as clouds cleared and gray turned blue and a yellow burning ball was seen in the sky. Reports have confirmed, it was the sun. And everyone jumped for joy.

The Newest Bug

The newest member of my family arrived very early this morning. My nephew was born just before the crack of dawn this morning. A full head of hair. He's totally adorable. And since I was there to witness it, I'm so not bias. :)

There's Blue Stuff Up There!!!

In a moment of awe and wonder, people in W. Mich. stopped to gaze at a patch of light blue edge with golden yellow breaking through the dull gray sky. Questions of its origin and identity spread rapidly.

Rumors and unconfirmed reports state that it may have been the sky and the yellow stuff is the sun. Both are out of sight of northerners for most of the calender year. There are no confirmations available at this time.

Goals for 2006

I made my list of Goals for 2006. I'm still amazed by how large the list is...oops. I did however break it down into three parts -- writing, stitching, and general. Some of these are lifestyle changes not just what I want to get done. And they are things that cover the whole year.

Writing Goals –

1. Write 2-6 pages daily

2. Finish WW

3. Finish EK

4. Finish EW

5. Finish DR

6. Finish GTF

7. Contact at least 1 editor for MCT

8. Contact at least 1 editor for DR

9. Contact at least 1 editor for GTF

10. Finish RTF

11. Contact at least1 editor for RTF

12. Contact at least 1 editor specializing or dealing with Sci-Fi and Fantasy

13. Attend RWA National Conference

14. Look into SFWA Conference’s

15. Join RWA SIC FFP

16. Organize research – hard copy and digital

17. Participate in NANOWRIMO

18. Enter RWA’s Golden Heart

19. Subscribe to Writer’s Digest, Realms of Fantasy, Asimov

General Goals –

1. Lose about 100 lbs

2. Exercise at least 3 times a week

3. Look into joining the YMCA

4. Eat Healthier

5. Cut out Pop

6. Swim at least 3 times a week

7. Put together a spreadsheet(s) of all of my books, music, movies, Cross Stitch, and sewing stuff and keep a copy off site.

8. Encourage and help N to do the same thing.

9. Put Together My Reading List and try to buy those books, if not borrow them from the Library

10. Read at least two books a month, one should hopefully be a classic

11. Put together Christmas gift idea list of things to get people

12. Start Christmas Shopping Early

13. Finish Christmas Shopping by November 15^th.

14. Start Christmas Baking Early. Freeze if necessary.

15. Have Cookie and Ornament Exchange the 1^st week of December, with all ornaments and invitations being homemade.

16. Put together a list of all of the things I need and want for the house, start getting them, slowly

17. Clean, organize, and declutter my bedroom.

18. Clean, organize, and declutter the utility room.

19. Clean, organize, and declutter the garage

20. Clean, organize, and declutter the living room.

21. Take DD to Binder Park

22. Take DD to Kalamazoo Air Zoo

23. Take DD to Utah to visit friends

24. Take DD to Dallas to visit family

25. Take DD to John Ball Park Zoo

26. Take DD to Sleeping Bear Dunes

27. Spend more quality time with DD

28. Stay on top of finances (includes paying off bills whenever possible)

29. Stay on top of School work,

30. Stay on the Dean’s list

31. Subscribe to National Geographic, Creating Keepsakes, Memory ___, Discovery,

32. Finish applying to Colleges

33. Take DD to Bronner’s & Frankenmuth with my mom

34. Weekend trip to Bronner’s and Frankenmuth with Mom, SIL, and Aunt

Stitching and Sewing Goals

1. Finish W. Quilt

2. Finish W. Announcement

3. Teach at least 1 person to Cross Stitch

4. Finish TW Storyteller

5. Re-do Nephew #3 birth announcement

6. Stitch Niece #1 birth announcement

7. Stitch Niece #2 birth announcement

8. Stitch Nephew #5 birth announcement

9. Finish scrap quilt for mom

10. Finish sweatshirt for Stepdad

11. Finish Dragon Quilt for me

12. Finish Dutchman’s Puzzle, see if DBro wants it or give it to Uncle

13. Finish my costume, started last year

14. Sew DD Halloween Costume

15. Sew Summer clothes for DD

16. Sew summer clothes for Niece #2 for her birthday

17. Sew summer clothes for Niece #3 for her birthday

18. Finish TW’s Celtic Cross

19. Find and Finish TW’s Futurecast

20. Kit Stretch

21. Kit Tempest

22. Finish The Last Supper (need 36x20 fabric – 28 ct)

23. Start and Finish Celtic Banner

24. Start Resurrection

25. Stitch Orchid Afghan for Nana (find out which issues it was in and reorder them)

26. Finish Bird Afghan

27. Subscribe to The Cross Stitcher, Stoney Creek Cross Stitch, The Stitchery, and Just Cross Stitch

28. Subscribe to Quilt

29. Find and kit Celtic Angel

Happy Holidays

The holidays have come and gone. The year of preperation took about 45 minutes to undo. Not because DD had lots of gifts mind you, but because all of the wrapping paper had to be removed and each toy, book, or item of clothing inspected, and hopefully opened by mom. DD and mom got spoiled this year. I spoiled her and my mom and aunt spoiled me. My aunt got me the stitchbow organizing system (we'll see how long it stays in place and how long it takes me adapt it my standards because theirs isn't good enough. :)). And my mom, who I've wondered what she truly thought of me returning to school and becoming a nurse, bought me my first pair of scrubs, they can't be worn until I get hired in somewhere, but I have them. And the shirt has swimming dolphins on them. :) But my all-time favorite gift is the necklace DD bought for me. I did finish up another ornament. And now must contemplate buying two or three trees to support all of my ornaments. Um....Houston, we may have a problem here. I may give some of the ones I inherited to SIL, but I'm not sure if she'd like them, she prefers the crystal and crystal-looking ones.

On a happy, perspective putting note, I neither had to attend nor plan 6 funerals, so all is well. May everyone have a blessed new year.