This year I've decided that I am ready to work towards a better me. It kinda goes with that whole realization that it's easier to tell strangers, whom I don't care what they think, that I'm hard of hearing than it is my friends, for whom it does matter. So, I let the doc make me an appointment with the weight-loss person.
The first thing she did was break out a BMI chart - which was developed around the civil war to chart population growth - as in thousands of people when the average height was around 5'6 for men and 5'0" for women. It's not and was not intended to be used as a health indicator and is full of crap. She was really pissed and says "well, you don't have to use it" - I said I won't, but I already know I'm overweight and I know how much I want to look like I lose. Muscle weighs more than fat so, I'm after a body shape not weight or size.
Her whole shpeel is that if I just do portion control that I will lose weight. And that three big meals are better than 6 little ones. Oh, and everything needs to be fat free and sugar free. I looked at her and said um, no a) portion control alone does not work for me. My weight fluctuates between one to two pounds a week - on portion control alone and b) I avoid anything with aspartame in it. She did say that fresh is better, frozen is next and canned should be avoided. I asked about homemade - canned/preserved foods and she said to just cut in half or leave out the salt and sugar - which I'm thinking is probably a bad idea. I did like what she said about some of the foods and that dieting and forbidding a food doesn't work because your behavior doesn't change. So, now I've got an appointment with a trainer - a necessity because I'm missing my acl - it tore and the stupid idiot doc refused to replace it. Means things I was working towards, I can't do. Stupid idiot. - so, I can get back in the gym and start exercising.
My friend suggested ending every meal with fruit. Which, I think I'm going to try. If I remember right, that is how the French end theirs. What also helps me is too rich foods - I want/need less to be full. I also don't forbid anything. The other big thing - for me - is that I needed to be ready for a change. Weight loss, at least for me and from my point of view - is as much mental and emotional as it is physical. Whether I want to lose weight because I'm tired of it, tired of hurting, or going na-na-na-boo-boo - as long as it's for me and I'm completely ready, I actually have a chance to hit my personal goal.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
This Is Going To Hurt –
There is no one else for me to vent to, to talk to, where it isn’t going to cause issue or make me look and feel weak/vulnerable. I signed up to talk to a counselor at the VA. After just the introductory-why are you here meeting, I’m feeling like I pulled a partially healed scab back – just enough to make it hurt. It’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.
There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.
I have really good friends, great sisters, but there are things I don’t talk about, that I’m embarrassed about. Probably ashamed about. That I don’t want people to know. Some of it is, I think, because it does make me feel and appear weaker/more vulnerable or less of a person or veteran. I didn’t see combat, not because I didn’t volunteer – I did, twice – but because those were the cards I drew – different bases took the rotations I was scheduled for. Maybe I’d feel better/whole/equal if I’d have gone to the desert instead of getting married and getting orders to Japan. Yes, I’d have a different life, but maybe I wouldn’t feel less. Like, I don’t belong, like I’m not a ‘real’ vet.
There are always maybes and what ifs. Any number of them would lead to a different outcome.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Sewing and Stitching in 2012
In the interest of prioritizing my sewing and stitching projects and actually make headway on them....
1. Finish the sports afghan for my nephew
2. Finish three ornaments for my new great nieces
3. Finish the wedding sampler for my friends T & L
4. Finish the wedding sampler for my niece and her new husband
5. Finish three birth announcements
6. Finish two ornaments for my daughter
7. Finish TW Storyteller
8. Finish the block of the month quilt tops from the last 4 years and either quilt them or get them quilted
9. Make new garb, on time, for my daughter
10. Make pants, suit coat/jacket, and shirts for me for work
11. Post pictures.
I think that will keep me busy, although it may be slightly ambitious given the fact that I'm working full time and going to school full time. But, if I don't give myself goals I'll never accomplish anything.
1. Finish the sports afghan for my nephew
2. Finish three ornaments for my new great nieces
3. Finish the wedding sampler for my friends T & L
4. Finish the wedding sampler for my niece and her new husband
5. Finish three birth announcements
6. Finish two ornaments for my daughter
7. Finish TW Storyteller
8. Finish the block of the month quilt tops from the last 4 years and either quilt them or get them quilted
9. Make new garb, on time, for my daughter
10. Make pants, suit coat/jacket, and shirts for me for work
11. Post pictures.
I think that will keep me busy, although it may be slightly ambitious given the fact that I'm working full time and going to school full time. But, if I don't give myself goals I'll never accomplish anything.
Friday, January 06, 2012
New Year - New Changes and Choices
So, what are everyone's New Year's Resolutions or Promises to Yourself?
Since resolutions are rather easy to break - it's just a goal after all, these are things I promise myself to accomplish or work on accomplishing this year.
I promise myself to:
1. Declutter my house
2. write 2000 words a day
3. Finish my writing plan,
4. Finish my business plan (strategic plan - non profit business style but for writing)
5. Excercise daily
6. Run a 5k
7. Stitch or sew weekly
8. Have a 'sassy' new year
9. Get out more
10. Apply to the VA for my benefits
11. Try to be more approachable and outgoing
12. Learn ASL
13. Blog regularly
14. Host either a sit and stitch, writer's day retreat, or dinner once a quarter
15. Become more financially independent and responsible
16. Take steps to increase my knowledge base in several different areas
17. Renew my first responder cpr/first aid cert.
18. Organize my stuff - in a manner that is comfortable to me, my beliefs and priorities
19. Either bead or scrapbook once a quarter.
And Most importantly
20. Stay in touch/communication with my friends and sisters better.
Now, some of these are going to be hard for me, because while I'm not really a shy person, my hearing loss has made it hard and uncomfortable for me to be in large crowds because even with my hearing aids, there are a lot of things that I miss and I'm not the type of person that can really laugh at myself or be okay with looking stupid. But, I do want to get out more, meet more people - maybe even dateable people, and take more steps towards having a fun/sassy type of life. I'd like to play more games, but I don't always want to play magic the gathering style card based games, but there are plenty of other games to play.
Since resolutions are rather easy to break - it's just a goal after all, these are things I promise myself to accomplish or work on accomplishing this year.
I promise myself to:
1. Declutter my house
2. write 2000 words a day
3. Finish my writing plan,
4. Finish my business plan (strategic plan - non profit business style but for writing)
5. Excercise daily
6. Run a 5k
7. Stitch or sew weekly
8. Have a 'sassy' new year
9. Get out more
10. Apply to the VA for my benefits
11. Try to be more approachable and outgoing
12. Learn ASL
13. Blog regularly
14. Host either a sit and stitch, writer's day retreat, or dinner once a quarter
15. Become more financially independent and responsible
16. Take steps to increase my knowledge base in several different areas
17. Renew my first responder cpr/first aid cert.
18. Organize my stuff - in a manner that is comfortable to me, my beliefs and priorities
19. Either bead or scrapbook once a quarter.
And Most importantly
20. Stay in touch/communication with my friends and sisters better.
Now, some of these are going to be hard for me, because while I'm not really a shy person, my hearing loss has made it hard and uncomfortable for me to be in large crowds because even with my hearing aids, there are a lot of things that I miss and I'm not the type of person that can really laugh at myself or be okay with looking stupid. But, I do want to get out more, meet more people - maybe even dateable people, and take more steps towards having a fun/sassy type of life. I'd like to play more games, but I don't always want to play magic the gathering style card based games, but there are plenty of other games to play.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Random Venting
I really want to quit. Everything really. No, I'm not suicidal, it's not that bad, but I really want to at least sit this round out. I'm tired of trying to balance school, job hunting (unsuccessful - it would help if I left the state, but I'm still in school, so I can't), a tween who either truly doesn't get things or wants everything given to her and I'm not really sure which at this point, absolutely no privacy, constant interruptions, and the lack of money. The fact that my family still thinks I'm wasting my time on my writing doesn't bother me, nor does it bother me that most of my friends won't read my books - it's not for them, I understand that. No, what is bothering me is that I can't find it in me to be a b*tch or mean. I keep trying to help everyone, keep putting others in front of me until I want to scream.
By helping a friend out, I lost my office/craft room - which had quickly become my sanctuary. This same friend is strapped for cash, so right now I'm providing everything - but she's not helping around the house - even after asking her too. My TV is always on, half the lights are usually on, my daughter is having problems adjusting to a roommate, and every time I turn around she's eating something - which wouldn't bother me, but it's things that I need or have a specific purpose for. I mean really, who goes and opens a tub of frosting and eats all of it without asking if there is a reason.
The constant interruptions because since I'm writing or editing or whatever from home I must need to talk to someone are driving me insane.
The problem is the roommate I got myself into, and I have to put up with it, because I still haven't found a job and I need help with the bills and rent.
I applied for 2 dozen jobs this week and an internship. A friend of mine keeps recommending a professional organization through her church, but I'm not comfortable at church or with overly pushing religious people (any religion, no specific brand/type), so I haven't. Again, it feels wrong to me to go to a church for help when I don't go to church and don't plan on it.
Tonight the chicken was well flavored, but dry and there were way too many veggies and liquid for the dish. So, I'll keep the chicken and use it another dish and toss the veggies.
I am going to a conference on medical humanities tomorrow and Friday, but I don't know that I am going to finish my book on time. It's due by Saturday. If it's late, I could very well lose this contract. And I need every contract and release I can get. Money is tight. The economy in my state absolutely sucks. I'm over qualified for some jobs and under qualified for others. There isn't enough food or money to go around.
What I want is a break. A job, a real job with real hours that pays weekly, because even though I will lose writing time, I will lose 3/4's of my stress. I'm not, nor have I ever expected, to make money like a lot of big name authors - at least not to start, but a day job to cut the stress would be lovely.
By helping a friend out, I lost my office/craft room - which had quickly become my sanctuary. This same friend is strapped for cash, so right now I'm providing everything - but she's not helping around the house - even after asking her too. My TV is always on, half the lights are usually on, my daughter is having problems adjusting to a roommate, and every time I turn around she's eating something - which wouldn't bother me, but it's things that I need or have a specific purpose for. I mean really, who goes and opens a tub of frosting and eats all of it without asking if there is a reason.
The constant interruptions because since I'm writing or editing or whatever from home I must need to talk to someone are driving me insane.
The problem is the roommate I got myself into, and I have to put up with it, because I still haven't found a job and I need help with the bills and rent.
I applied for 2 dozen jobs this week and an internship. A friend of mine keeps recommending a professional organization through her church, but I'm not comfortable at church or with overly pushing religious people (any religion, no specific brand/type), so I haven't. Again, it feels wrong to me to go to a church for help when I don't go to church and don't plan on it.
Tonight the chicken was well flavored, but dry and there were way too many veggies and liquid for the dish. So, I'll keep the chicken and use it another dish and toss the veggies.
I am going to a conference on medical humanities tomorrow and Friday, but I don't know that I am going to finish my book on time. It's due by Saturday. If it's late, I could very well lose this contract. And I need every contract and release I can get. Money is tight. The economy in my state absolutely sucks. I'm over qualified for some jobs and under qualified for others. There isn't enough food or money to go around.
What I want is a break. A job, a real job with real hours that pays weekly, because even though I will lose writing time, I will lose 3/4's of my stress. I'm not, nor have I ever expected, to make money like a lot of big name authors - at least not to start, but a day job to cut the stress would be lovely.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Paths To Take
Never before have I ever doubted my path in life. Not where my writing is concerned. I always knew that I growing and learning to do, but I would be better for it. I would be published. Today though, I'm seriously doubting my path in life. I'm beginning to think that writing is a serious waste of time. Something better left in notebooks, journals and thumbdrives lost under the bed or used to line the litter box. Something for me to do when the characters won't shut up, but not to be shared. Not any more.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Secrets
Secrets - they can be good things or they can be bad things. Sometimes, though, they just are.
A good many of my friends and family know that I can't hear - not really well - it's not something I was born with, it's an effect from being in the military. That along with a few other things.
There was no point in time where I was given a choice - do I want this or that - do I want to accept, adjust, deal - there was no choice, there only is. I had to accept and adjust to the hearing loss, just like I have to accept, adjust and deal with other things like no more kids, thyroid issues, and dental issues. All from the same time period. I have a huge amount of confidence for most things. I know mostly who I am and what I want and where I'm going. Great, right - mostly. But the fact that I can't hear a lot of things means I built more walls, allow myself to be perceived as shy or weak. Why? Because I'm scared of making a mistake. One that will have people laughing at me at the best and causing someone their life at the worse. I worry that I won't hear my daughter when she needs it. I allow myself to stick around family and friends even when I know they are bad for me, not because I fear change - love change, but because I never know what I'm missing that I needed.
I've never asked why me, but I wonder - often - if I am ever going to find the right person for me - if they will accept me as I am? Will they be okay with the closed captioning on the screen of the tv, deal with the fact that plays, movies, and concerts are hard for me and sometimes not doable.
We live in a world where communication is key. My jobs depend on my ability to communicate. I completely trust few people because sometime I have to rely on them to tell me what I missed and I need to know that what I'm being told is the truth. Hearing enables communication, not being able to hear, hinders my communication. And that scares me. It is one of the few things that I'm scared about.
I want to learn ASL, but the only classes I can find are at the university level - I don't need or want a grade, I need to be able to communicate. I need to know what is happening in the world around me.
There are things I want to try, but I can't because without someone I trust around to make sure I'm not missing the signals I need, it's not safe.
I don't like talking on phones anymore than I have to, and I don't like talking to people with heavy accents - not because I don't like them or because of some nonsensical idea that they took my job away or a job from a 'real' American - no, it's because I can't decipher what they are saying. I have a friend - my best friend and it is getting harder and harder to talk to them on the phone because too many of the words run together.
PA systems, loud speakers, announcers - I can't understand anything. I don't hear my smoke detector. And the sounds that the emergency broadcasters make, I don't hear.
This isn't a topic I talk about to my friends or family - it's one that I'll work through because I have no choice. But sometimes it would have been nice to have been given a choice.
A good many of my friends and family know that I can't hear - not really well - it's not something I was born with, it's an effect from being in the military. That along with a few other things.
There was no point in time where I was given a choice - do I want this or that - do I want to accept, adjust, deal - there was no choice, there only is. I had to accept and adjust to the hearing loss, just like I have to accept, adjust and deal with other things like no more kids, thyroid issues, and dental issues. All from the same time period. I have a huge amount of confidence for most things. I know mostly who I am and what I want and where I'm going. Great, right - mostly. But the fact that I can't hear a lot of things means I built more walls, allow myself to be perceived as shy or weak. Why? Because I'm scared of making a mistake. One that will have people laughing at me at the best and causing someone their life at the worse. I worry that I won't hear my daughter when she needs it. I allow myself to stick around family and friends even when I know they are bad for me, not because I fear change - love change, but because I never know what I'm missing that I needed.
I've never asked why me, but I wonder - often - if I am ever going to find the right person for me - if they will accept me as I am? Will they be okay with the closed captioning on the screen of the tv, deal with the fact that plays, movies, and concerts are hard for me and sometimes not doable.
We live in a world where communication is key. My jobs depend on my ability to communicate. I completely trust few people because sometime I have to rely on them to tell me what I missed and I need to know that what I'm being told is the truth. Hearing enables communication, not being able to hear, hinders my communication. And that scares me. It is one of the few things that I'm scared about.
I want to learn ASL, but the only classes I can find are at the university level - I don't need or want a grade, I need to be able to communicate. I need to know what is happening in the world around me.
There are things I want to try, but I can't because without someone I trust around to make sure I'm not missing the signals I need, it's not safe.
I don't like talking on phones anymore than I have to, and I don't like talking to people with heavy accents - not because I don't like them or because of some nonsensical idea that they took my job away or a job from a 'real' American - no, it's because I can't decipher what they are saying. I have a friend - my best friend and it is getting harder and harder to talk to them on the phone because too many of the words run together.
PA systems, loud speakers, announcers - I can't understand anything. I don't hear my smoke detector. And the sounds that the emergency broadcasters make, I don't hear.
This isn't a topic I talk about to my friends or family - it's one that I'll work through because I have no choice. But sometimes it would have been nice to have been given a choice.
Monday, December 28, 2009
A Journey Completed
On December 19th, in front of my daughter, two of my best friends, my parents, and my sisters in spirit despite the freezing temperatures, I graduated with my bachelors of science.
The journey to this point has been hard and long. I lost my father and one of my best friends within six months of each other. My brother lost his house and I nearly lost the rest of my family. Horrible discoveries were learned and my mother was diagnosed with emphysema. There has never been enough money and more than once I was lectured about the sensibility of going to school vs getting a real job. The state I live in has the worse economy in the US with about as many perspective jobs and at the same time, I couldn't get help with basic needs. I continued to write and gain rejections. Finally publishing something. I put aside all of my other hobbies, allowing them to collect dust while my friends and sisters marched forward with theirs. My hearing loss was finally diagnosed and effects of radiation exposure were felt and finally realized. I have seen friends come and go back and forth to Iraq and Afghanistan doing their duty and I struggle with feelings of guilt that I am no longer serving. The fact that I have a child doesn't matter. So do many of them.
I am the second person in my family to obtain my bachelor's degree. Third if you count my uncle - all of us vets - all of us using the GI bill to go to school. Because of this, the practicality of going to school - especially since I'm a woman - yes my family is that backward - has always been questioned.
From this point forward I am in mostly uncharted territory - I will be the first person in my family with a masters degree and eventually my doctorate (not in medicine though). I am published and will continue to sell and do so. Which now that there is money coming in - writing suddenly is okay and not a time-waster.
One leg of my journey has been completed, but the path before me continues on.
And in the words of Robert Frost -
"...And I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all of the difference."
The journey to this point has been hard and long. I lost my father and one of my best friends within six months of each other. My brother lost his house and I nearly lost the rest of my family. Horrible discoveries were learned and my mother was diagnosed with emphysema. There has never been enough money and more than once I was lectured about the sensibility of going to school vs getting a real job. The state I live in has the worse economy in the US with about as many perspective jobs and at the same time, I couldn't get help with basic needs. I continued to write and gain rejections. Finally publishing something. I put aside all of my other hobbies, allowing them to collect dust while my friends and sisters marched forward with theirs. My hearing loss was finally diagnosed and effects of radiation exposure were felt and finally realized. I have seen friends come and go back and forth to Iraq and Afghanistan doing their duty and I struggle with feelings of guilt that I am no longer serving. The fact that I have a child doesn't matter. So do many of them.
I am the second person in my family to obtain my bachelor's degree. Third if you count my uncle - all of us vets - all of us using the GI bill to go to school. Because of this, the practicality of going to school - especially since I'm a woman - yes my family is that backward - has always been questioned.
From this point forward I am in mostly uncharted territory - I will be the first person in my family with a masters degree and eventually my doctorate (not in medicine though). I am published and will continue to sell and do so. Which now that there is money coming in - writing suddenly is okay and not a time-waster.
One leg of my journey has been completed, but the path before me continues on.
And in the words of Robert Frost -
"...And I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all of the difference."
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OOps. Again. I know I was going to blog more, but then life got in the way. Again. I graduate in December - with a bachelors - finally! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go to grad school and do the PA thing, but I've become involved with Student Veterans of America - my university's chapter and I sort of want to stay involve with it. The cool thing about SVA it isn't just for today's military and vets - it's for all vets. I'm back to sticking my nose in my books, I took summer classes - because that was really smart - and it's finals week.
I hope to start blogging regularly - at least once a week.
I hope to start blogging regularly - at least once a week.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
OOps...
So, I realized I forgot to tell about the coolest and possibly one of the dumbest things I did - but it was so totally worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat - hopefully I don't have to work or be home that night.
So, on November 8th, I drove my butt 3 1/2 hours south to Indianapolis - well the North Side of it - and met my friend Karen at the yarn haven she works at and SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And one other lady, who gave me a card and I've misplaced it at the moment and spaced on the name. BUT I MET SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but she totally rocks. Smart and sassy. :) We - the four of us - went to MacAlasteir's Deli and spent about 3 or 4 hours talking. We talked about a lot of different things, which I won't elaborate on - we covered a lot of subjects = family, military, school, politics (just a touch - couldn't be helped it was right after the election), love (once again I was the only single one in the bunch, but eh it works). I can't wait to go back. HOpefully to spend more time with everyone. So, now I've officially met 3 of my sisters by another mother. I WILL meet them all.
Oh, the dumb part - leaving Indy at 10 at night and driving home. I got home at 1:30 in the morning and had to be at work at 6 the next morning. I was exhausted.
So, on November 8th, I drove my butt 3 1/2 hours south to Indianapolis - well the North Side of it - and met my friend Karen at the yarn haven she works at and SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And one other lady, who gave me a card and I've misplaced it at the moment and spaced on the name. BUT I MET SUZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but she totally rocks. Smart and sassy. :) We - the four of us - went to MacAlasteir's Deli and spent about 3 or 4 hours talking. We talked about a lot of different things, which I won't elaborate on - we covered a lot of subjects = family, military, school, politics (just a touch - couldn't be helped it was right after the election), love (once again I was the only single one in the bunch, but eh it works). I can't wait to go back. HOpefully to spend more time with everyone. So, now I've officially met 3 of my sisters by another mother. I WILL meet them all.
Oh, the dumb part - leaving Indy at 10 at night and driving home. I got home at 1:30 in the morning and had to be at work at 6 the next morning. I was exhausted.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Economy
I generally hate corporations. They're pretty much to blame for the whole economic crisis that and greed coupled with stupidity - at all levels.
But Michigan's economy is tanked and will tank harder when the Big 3 Auto makers fall. And why is that a big problem? Because the bone heads making decisions in this state put everything into cars (and furniture - but good furniture has been replaced by over priced pressboard crap from art van that has little use, no value, and not artistic at all) - everything.
Public schools lost the fight to send kids to college a long time ago because why spend 50K on education at UofM or MSU when you can make 30/hour at factory sitting on your ass and turning a couple of bolts (I have family who do this) and there fore public education gets you a factory job but very little else.
I'm a writer and a college student and vet majoring in medical - why do I care - family mostly - they'll lose they're jobs - the ones that haven't already - the houses will go into foreclosure, and 8 out of 10 cities will become ghost towns as everyone leaves the bloody state to look for work that pays.
Should the government bail them out? No, not really. Because instead of looking at what consumers wanted (smaller, more efficient cars) the Big 3 decided that more gas guzzling SUV's and Trucks were needed - that's what they ordered and that's what they pushed on people. Because really a family of two or four that lives in the city and never goes down a dirt road really needs an SUV/Mini-Van/Truck. *Doh*
Am I affected - was - 8 years ago when the evil-unholy bank of the improper fraction bought out the hometown bank and laid everyone (not an exaggeration) off.
But Michigan's economy is tanked and will tank harder when the Big 3 Auto makers fall. And why is that a big problem? Because the bone heads making decisions in this state put everything into cars (and furniture - but good furniture has been replaced by over priced pressboard crap from art van that has little use, no value, and not artistic at all) - everything.
Public schools lost the fight to send kids to college a long time ago because why spend 50K on education at UofM or MSU when you can make 30/hour at factory sitting on your ass and turning a couple of bolts (I have family who do this) and there fore public education gets you a factory job but very little else.
I'm a writer and a college student and vet majoring in medical - why do I care - family mostly - they'll lose they're jobs - the ones that haven't already - the houses will go into foreclosure, and 8 out of 10 cities will become ghost towns as everyone leaves the bloody state to look for work that pays.
Should the government bail them out? No, not really. Because instead of looking at what consumers wanted (smaller, more efficient cars) the Big 3 decided that more gas guzzling SUV's and Trucks were needed - that's what they ordered and that's what they pushed on people. Because really a family of two or four that lives in the city and never goes down a dirt road really needs an SUV/Mini-Van/Truck. *Doh*
Am I affected - was - 8 years ago when the evil-unholy bank of the improper fraction bought out the hometown bank and laid everyone (not an exaggeration) off.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Sometimes
Sometimes I don't want to be cheery and happy. I don't want to pretend that I've got it all figured out, that it's easy. I don't always like to share what's going on in my life, because aside from being way to personal and requires more trust than I care to spare for more than the few who have it. I won't bring this to my friends, because one just got a great job offer and another is dealing with a scary situation and some are just trying to get through their daily lives without having to listen to me. But this is my blog and I can say what I feel like.
What I feel like is quitting. I'd say everything, but I'd miss my DD too much and she'd be stuck with someone I don't really trust or like. School - I'm just over a semester from graduating with a B.S. - yippee -- I don't care anymore. My classes are hard and I'm just passing the lectures - labs I'm doing better, but lectures suck. I have more to do this year than ever before. My mom has emphysema - we still don't know how bad, but I'm guessing a year - two tops....I'm thinking she's had it for a while - you know the cough that never went away. That and the doc looked at four chest x-rays and said you've got emphysema. My DD's body is acting up and I've gone through 3 pediatrician's at the office because 1 didn't come back after a family emergency, another said wait and see one to many times - I'm not a hysterical mom - I actually know when something's not right and when she just wants to get out of school and be lazy, then there are two that I'm still trying to figure out - one who's more aggressive with looking at all of the clues and one who I sometimes get the feeling that she just wants me out of there. And then there is an accident that happened 13 years ago that may be responsible for me losing my teeth, not being able to have anymore kids, and an increase in cancer risk. And now I have to fight the VA over it. And just to add my fun, everyone wants to adopt a family for Thanksgiving and Christmas = great. grand. Have at it. But I'M expected to contribute too. I can't pay my rent, there is barely any food in my house, and my caseworker is sending my more forms. So I have prove I am who I say I am and who my DD is and barely make while some lying jerk gets enough money, aid, and food stamps to feed an army with no intention of getting off welfare. Now really, how is one piece of paper going to help. Because really, I don't if I can get into grad school, let alone pay for it. There's a new GI bill = that's wonderful - I served non-combat between the Persian Gulf and Iraq/Afghanistan - it doesn't apply for me. I have worked hard to get to this point, to get to a point where I can hold my head up and say it was worth it, I did it. But it's not there, and its not coming. And my family - they're full of great advice like - "well your brother and I did it - full time school, work, and raise a family and we had more kids" = yeah, let's put that into perspective - anyone can do it if they're married with someone else doing things like cooking, working, and putting kids to bed. And really my brother went to the U of Phoenix - advance/adult school and majored in IT, - one class, one night a week - yeah I could do that too - and I wouldn't even need to study. My mom went to a business college for accounting - I've taken those classes before - yup I could do those in my sleep - both my mom and my brother were married - someone else watched and worried about the kids while they were in school. My brother worked, my dad worked, my mom worked part-time. My sil takes care of the kids, and the house, and everything else. So, that's easier than doing it pretty much alone. My family doesn't live close. If my DD is sick at school, I have to leave school to go get her, regardless of what I'm doing - regardless if I'm taking a test or listening to a lecture. No one else cleans my house, makes money for me so that I can just study. I have to come up with rent money, with money for the laundry, with money for everything. And really, if I'd gotten a job in a factory I could make $30/hour for sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I could have a house and fewer worries. But I didn't. I wanted to do better for my DD. And I didn't. There will be no Christmas at our house - good thing Santa has never visited, because it's real hard to explain why the number of gifts Santa brings keep getting smaller - Thanksgiving should be interesting, since it's a my brother's and really since the comment he made the last time (his opinion is that it's the victim's fault, not his responsibility) - I don't want to see him. Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not stronger than love. My rant. My blog. Really, life feels like everyone's against me, and I don't have it in me to turn around and yell - "But I'll still make it further than you!". I just want to sit down, hidden from view, and give up. Because really, what is the point.
Sometimes there is no fixing, there is only accepting.
What I feel like is quitting. I'd say everything, but I'd miss my DD too much and she'd be stuck with someone I don't really trust or like. School - I'm just over a semester from graduating with a B.S. - yippee -- I don't care anymore. My classes are hard and I'm just passing the lectures - labs I'm doing better, but lectures suck. I have more to do this year than ever before. My mom has emphysema - we still don't know how bad, but I'm guessing a year - two tops....I'm thinking she's had it for a while - you know the cough that never went away. That and the doc looked at four chest x-rays and said you've got emphysema. My DD's body is acting up and I've gone through 3 pediatrician's at the office because 1 didn't come back after a family emergency, another said wait and see one to many times - I'm not a hysterical mom - I actually know when something's not right and when she just wants to get out of school and be lazy, then there are two that I'm still trying to figure out - one who's more aggressive with looking at all of the clues and one who I sometimes get the feeling that she just wants me out of there. And then there is an accident that happened 13 years ago that may be responsible for me losing my teeth, not being able to have anymore kids, and an increase in cancer risk. And now I have to fight the VA over it. And just to add my fun, everyone wants to adopt a family for Thanksgiving and Christmas = great. grand. Have at it. But I'M expected to contribute too. I can't pay my rent, there is barely any food in my house, and my caseworker is sending my more forms. So I have prove I am who I say I am and who my DD is and barely make while some lying jerk gets enough money, aid, and food stamps to feed an army with no intention of getting off welfare. Now really, how is one piece of paper going to help. Because really, I don't if I can get into grad school, let alone pay for it. There's a new GI bill = that's wonderful - I served non-combat between the Persian Gulf and Iraq/Afghanistan - it doesn't apply for me. I have worked hard to get to this point, to get to a point where I can hold my head up and say it was worth it, I did it. But it's not there, and its not coming. And my family - they're full of great advice like - "well your brother and I did it - full time school, work, and raise a family and we had more kids" = yeah, let's put that into perspective - anyone can do it if they're married with someone else doing things like cooking, working, and putting kids to bed. And really my brother went to the U of Phoenix - advance/adult school and majored in IT, - one class, one night a week - yeah I could do that too - and I wouldn't even need to study. My mom went to a business college for accounting - I've taken those classes before - yup I could do those in my sleep - both my mom and my brother were married - someone else watched and worried about the kids while they were in school. My brother worked, my dad worked, my mom worked part-time. My sil takes care of the kids, and the house, and everything else. So, that's easier than doing it pretty much alone. My family doesn't live close. If my DD is sick at school, I have to leave school to go get her, regardless of what I'm doing - regardless if I'm taking a test or listening to a lecture. No one else cleans my house, makes money for me so that I can just study. I have to come up with rent money, with money for the laundry, with money for everything. And really, if I'd gotten a job in a factory I could make $30/hour for sitting on my ass and doing nothing. I could have a house and fewer worries. But I didn't. I wanted to do better for my DD. And I didn't. There will be no Christmas at our house - good thing Santa has never visited, because it's real hard to explain why the number of gifts Santa brings keep getting smaller - Thanksgiving should be interesting, since it's a my brother's and really since the comment he made the last time (his opinion is that it's the victim's fault, not his responsibility) - I don't want to see him. Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not stronger than love. My rant. My blog. Really, life feels like everyone's against me, and I don't have it in me to turn around and yell - "But I'll still make it further than you!". I just want to sit down, hidden from view, and give up. Because really, what is the point.
Sometimes there is no fixing, there is only accepting.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
It's Been A Whole Month
It's been a month, I guess that means I should update my blog. I really need to do it more often. Okay, since finishing my book, I have not done my updates. I have taken my DD to 2 doctor appts - with mixed results. I have taken 17k photos for two events on two consecutive weekends with only 3 days off in between. I have gotten DD her school supplies and some of her uniforms. New school - she wears uniforms - I'm happy - she's on the fence. It's a good school though. I have financial aid so I can finish my last year as an undergrad. I do have my schedule and I'm flip-flopping on how much books are going to cost me this semester - all sciences - and I have to keep them. I have actually stitched and I'll get an updated pic loaded soon. It's on my list of things to do. Oh, I've packed (in prep for a move) and unpacked (move didn't happen). Oh, and I've worked. A lot. I did a workshop in July on characterization, which I think went over okay. I haven't sewed anything, and I need to because I'm going to the gathering this fall and I need new garb. I'm thinking dark forest or hunter green, royal blue, or maroon/burgundy. Not sure. Have the pattern though. Money. time. not so much. LOL. Oh well. It'll be fun.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Random Meanderings
It's been about a month since I updated my blog, so I'll start with a random thoughts, meanderings, and updates.
= Happy Birthday America, a wonderful day to celebrate, be thankful for our freedoms, and to remember that Freedom never is and never has been free. A huge thank you to everyone serving in our military, and may you all come home safe and soon.
= I spent the weekend without answering my cell phone, checking my email, or listening to my mp3 player except for the few hours I was writing. I did have a deadline, so I had my laptop with me.
= I finished a book. One I wrote. WOO HOO!!! Happy Dance for me. I'm excited and thrilled!!!!!!!!!!
= I may have a new hobby - I so don't need another one.
= I got financial aid for my last year of school.
= I may or may not move, not quite sure.
= I actually stitched on TW's Castle. I'll upload a WIP pic soon.
= It's only 2 months until school starts
= I'm not sure what's scarier your dd on the brink of becoming a pre-teen and dressing the part or the rest of the stuff that goes with it. DD asked if she could wear her clothes a certain way, and I said that within reason I don't care. If you start to look like a tramp, then we'll have issues. She was thrilled. My DD will be 10 in 4 months and will be driving in 5 years.
= I have started the application process for grad school. Lots of money going out. OUch.
= I get to do the coolest shadowing program in August. I'm excited. But too many people will think it's gross, so I'll leave it at that.
= Oh, and the picture, that's Lake Michigan at sunset. That was taken in May, but a friend came up to visit and saw our 'little' lake that you can't see the other side on, and stuck her toes in. We popsicled her, because the water was maybe 50 F degrees, and yes, people were swimming in it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Quilting
I'm not sure if it made it onto my goal list or not, but I love to sew and have added quilting to my list of things I like to make. Until now it has been self taught - a very interesting path to take let me assure you -- first quilt I ever made, my DD refuses to part with. <> :)
I moved a couple of years ago, and found a quilt store close to me, that has classes that can fit into a working student mom's very hectic schedule - and understanding owners that allow me to slide in a few minutes late - well they have one club, because it's not a class, that is called The $5.00 Quilt -- you pay $5 in January and receive a kit for a single block on either a light background or a dark background and as long as you bring the completed square the next month and don't miss any meetings you get the next block free - the catch -- sit for a half hour with other quilters and see the new fabrics and products coming into the store - and then show and tell -- it's fun. I'm trying new blocks and talking to a few people. And later this summer, since I switched to first shift - yeah me - I can take a night class in quilting and maybe finally my corners will match up and my points be pointed and not get cut off. Maybe. I'll have fun, so a few imperfections aren't going to bother me to much, we throw them on the bed anyway - use them as tents, capes, and the walls of forts and castles. LOL
Here are the first five blocks -- (I don't have a digital camera, just a scanner - so the sides are cut off - the blocks are suppose to be 10 1/2 inches square - I've not measured them and am scared to do so)
Road To Oklahoma -
Pinwheel -
New Album -
Jewel Box -
Sawtooth Star -
I still don't know how I'm going to finish them off, but I have until December to make that decision. And acquire the fabric - it's all one line, which is really cool. I'm thinking about putting two 1 inch borders around each square one in the background black and then one in another color that maybe can it all together.
I know I want a border or 3, and I like the idea of using alternating triangles in the colors from the quilt squares sandwiched between the background fabric.
There is still time. I'm excited. I'll share my progress. I got a new block yesterday - Balkan Puzzle - in golds.
I moved a couple of years ago, and found a quilt store close to me, that has classes that can fit into a working student mom's very hectic schedule - and understanding owners that allow me to slide in a few minutes late - well they have one club, because it's not a class, that is called The $5.00 Quilt -- you pay $5 in January and receive a kit for a single block on either a light background or a dark background and as long as you bring the completed square the next month and don't miss any meetings you get the next block free - the catch -- sit for a half hour with other quilters and see the new fabrics and products coming into the store - and then show and tell -- it's fun. I'm trying new blocks and talking to a few people. And later this summer, since I switched to first shift - yeah me - I can take a night class in quilting and maybe finally my corners will match up and my points be pointed and not get cut off. Maybe. I'll have fun, so a few imperfections aren't going to bother me to much, we throw them on the bed anyway - use them as tents, capes, and the walls of forts and castles. LOL
Here are the first five blocks -- (I don't have a digital camera, just a scanner - so the sides are cut off - the blocks are suppose to be 10 1/2 inches square - I've not measured them and am scared to do so)
Road To Oklahoma -
Pinwheel -
New Album -
Jewel Box -
Sawtooth Star -
I still don't know how I'm going to finish them off, but I have until December to make that decision. And acquire the fabric - it's all one line, which is really cool. I'm thinking about putting two 1 inch borders around each square one in the background black and then one in another color that maybe can it all together.
I know I want a border or 3, and I like the idea of using alternating triangles in the colors from the quilt squares sandwiched between the background fabric.
There is still time. I'm excited. I'll share my progress. I got a new block yesterday - Balkan Puzzle - in golds.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Story View
This is where a new story of mine is taking place -- well an island very similar. This is American Samoa
Monday, January 14, 2008
Scary THoughts
You know there are those light bulbs moments when something you knew on some level just kinda clicks and you go "Oh". This is sorta like that.
Pretty much, I'm an introvert surrounded by and living among extroverts.
And at one point I was happy to say that I never stayed in my comfort zone - I loved to do things randomly and be more outgoing. But then life and school happened, so really, my one big goal for 2008 is to leave my comfort zone. This should be an interesting experience.
Pretty much, I'm an introvert surrounded by and living among extroverts.
And at one point I was happy to say that I never stayed in my comfort zone - I loved to do things randomly and be more outgoing. But then life and school happened, so really, my one big goal for 2008 is to leave my comfort zone. This should be an interesting experience.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Enabling
I am an enabler.
At times, I've been known to enable friends to spend money on themselves, when they're reluctant. Or to pamper or indulge themselves when they feel they shouldn't.
This time, I think -- I hope -- I enabled healing.
We all wonder "why me? why this? why now?" We wonder why we had to go through something and we rarely hear/see/understand why. We don't always get the answer, sometimes because it's not time and sometimes because we choose not to receive it.
I understand, or think I do, now.
I wear my scars much as I wear my tattoos. Sometimes hidden and sometimes visible, but always they are mine and deeply personal. I don't flaunt them. They are for my pain or my pleasure. They are not there to make you laugh or cry. They are not there for your pity or your shame. Your pleasure or your condemnation. As your's are not there for mine. They are not badges of honor. They are not reflections of a troubled past or wishful thinking on anyone's part. They just are.
I do not hide my abuse, nor do I flaunt it. It too, just is. Was.
I say this, because the other day, a few of us got together to try to help one of our own. There was much self deprecation involved. I spoke of what I've been through, recovering, and what I've learned. Another person about what they had lived through. Only later did I learn they'd never spoken about it before. Too anyone. Maybe because I spoke, they spoke, and maybe not their healing -- true healing can begin.
My story is not their story, one is not lesser than the other.
They just are.
What becomes of it, is for us to decide.
At times, I've been known to enable friends to spend money on themselves, when they're reluctant. Or to pamper or indulge themselves when they feel they shouldn't.
This time, I think -- I hope -- I enabled healing.
We all wonder "why me? why this? why now?" We wonder why we had to go through something and we rarely hear/see/understand why. We don't always get the answer, sometimes because it's not time and sometimes because we choose not to receive it.
I understand, or think I do, now.
I wear my scars much as I wear my tattoos. Sometimes hidden and sometimes visible, but always they are mine and deeply personal. I don't flaunt them. They are for my pain or my pleasure. They are not there to make you laugh or cry. They are not there for your pity or your shame. Your pleasure or your condemnation. As your's are not there for mine. They are not badges of honor. They are not reflections of a troubled past or wishful thinking on anyone's part. They just are.
I do not hide my abuse, nor do I flaunt it. It too, just is. Was.
I say this, because the other day, a few of us got together to try to help one of our own. There was much self deprecation involved. I spoke of what I've been through, recovering, and what I've learned. Another person about what they had lived through. Only later did I learn they'd never spoken about it before. Too anyone. Maybe because I spoke, they spoke, and maybe not their healing -- true healing can begin.
My story is not their story, one is not lesser than the other.
They just are.
What becomes of it, is for us to decide.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
I live --
It's been a busy semester -- I went back to work - full time, two jobs for a while, and went to school. We didn't place in the Ketchup contest, but we did get an offer to do the bike show next summer. I'm thrilled. I don't stitch anymore, except on the one piece of my sister's that I have. School and work are sucking the life out of me.
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